[Editor’s Note: This news brief was discovered in a stack of papers nearly 40 years old. We are publishing it now because it is still considered “news” on Bizarro World and we want to be responsible. There was no byline on the article, but we have some ideas.]
ON MY RECENT TRIP to Bizarro World, I met with the President at
his unfurnished flat in the ghetto. Our talks were, of course,
uninformative and useless.
_____
THE PRESIDENT DID STATE that spending for defense would increase,
as would spending for garbage collection. Budget cuts in other
areas, notably in education and piano tuning, would offset those
increases. Noting that "the people of Bizarro World want change,"
the President also authorized a special minting of over two million
dimes and quarters.
_____
RECENT ATTENTION IN BIZARRO WORLD has been focused on the role of
the President's budget director who, as one source put it, "eats
with his mouth full." It was supposedly the budget director who
advised the President to appear on television wearing nothing but
a barrel. That idea was set aside, however, when the President
realized he would have no place to carry all his change.
_____
IN HIS ADDRESS to the world, the President described the critical
state of the Bizarro economy. "I have seen people throw away their
money because they could not afford to keep it," he lamented.
"I have also seen dogs fighting in the street over worthless bones.
These are not pretty sights to see," the President concluded.
_____
ON THE SUBJECT OF DOGS, there remains active controversy concerning
the DRA (Dog's Rights Amendment). In order for DRA to become law,
it must be ratified by 29 of the 373 sectors of Bizarro World.
At this time, DRA has been passed by 52 sectors, 31 of which
rescinded their ratification, while 18 of those sectors rescinding
ratification ratified it once again, and 7 of those who reratified
it decided to rerescind it. Because talk of dogs is illegal in the
remaining 221 sectors, the amendment has not come to a vote there.
_____
THE MAN IN THE STREET appears to know little of the actual intent
of DRA. I talked to one man in the street who told me, "I ain't
sharing my gutter with no dog. They can piss on the hydrants
where they belong."
_____
MEANWHILE, A RECENT SPATE OF HOTEL FIRES here has prompted Bizarro
authorities to institute new measures for fire security in public
buildings. One-pound packages of ground chuck will be placed in
special containers on each floor of such buildings; the smell of
cooking hamburgers will warn residents of the building of the
presence of fire. Additionally, in order to lessen the danger to
firemen searching a burning building for occupants, persons are
being instructed not to hide in closets but rather to proceed to
the roof and start grilling.
_____
REGARDING THE DRA, one Bizarro World fire official noted, "We have
had dogs on the force for years and we get along fine."
I never ever, ever talk about my close friends, especially my television friends, with whom I have shared my tears and expressed my fears. But now, I can’t help myself — I had to write a poem. It comes from the depths of my being, after being with all these people who were so important to my life:
Star Jones and Lisa Ling, both long gone but of thee I sing.
Liz Hasselbeck and Joy Behar, fox and frenemies they are.
Star and icon Barbara Walters, she parted the barbed waters.
Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy, the last to leave a boring party.
And now I must leave too. Now I must leave too. I must leave too. Boo-hoo.
So now, I announce, tearfully but with hope for the future, I also am leaving “The View.” The years I spent on the show, hearing my fellow women express their deepest selves while restraining themselves from tearing into the other selves on the show, it was so inspiring. I am so thankful to Barbara for giving me the opportunity to say whatever I wanted to say, as long as it lasted a minute or less and didn’t alienate our target audience. Barbara, thank you so much for teaching me the difference between Rosie O’Donnell and our target audience.
But most of all, I will miss the studio audience who showed up to watch “The View.” It was a screaming, hooting estro-fest, women who wanted nothing more than to see a good catfight between Whoopi and Meghan McCain as we, your on-stage proxies, fawned and flattered. Dear Viewers, we shared a special secret, you and I: it’s not who you are, it’s who you know that makes you famous. I knew the famousest. And you knew me.