I’ve done lots of things in my seven-plus decades of life that were ill-considered or outright stupid — my 25-year cigarette habit probably foremost among them. But there are some activities I am NEVER going to do, not even if Jesus himself walked through the wall of my family room and said, “My Son, I know you haven’t gone to church in a while — I do keep tabs — but I have decided that you may engage in any reckless activity you want for one year, without fear of even slightly injuring yourself or others.”
“Why, Jesus, why?” I would implore of him, falling to my knees. (Ouch.)
“Because I really — VERILY — enjoy reading your blog. The upcoming adventures that you are sure to share thereupon will please me.” So sayeth Jesus, who would then exit through the same wall he entered without any trace of wall damage. That would be a miracle.
In any event, I thought it would be interesting (and pleasing to Jesus) to list a few things that I am NEVER going to do in my remaining months, years or decades, with or without any free pass from the Man in the Silver Sandals. So here goes.
• I’m NEVER going to skydive! I don’t care if our 41st President G.H.W. Bush did it on his 90th birthday — skydiving calls for too much trust in the person who packs the parachute. So y’all go ahead and splat yourself onto our granite planet like the ripe eggplants we are. Hope you gain an appreciation for the gravity of the situation on the way down.
• I’m NEVER going to bungee-jump off a bridge or any other platform! What are these people thinking? Is this their way of diagnosing the hiatus hernia in their stomach? Or more likely, the voids in their skull?
• I’m NEVER going to snort cocaine! Again, what are these people thinking? One of the most disappointing things to learn as a Beatles fan was how each of them abused cocaine and other self-destructive drugs in the ’70s. The dream was over and they made sure of it.
• I’m NEVER going to attend a religious revival meeting — or should I say, another one. There are some things one agrees to do in order to spend more time with your date — but you only have to do them once. After that, you can say no, and then — mirabile dictu! — she doesn’t want to do them either.
• I’m NEVER going to visit a Las Vegas casino. It’s not like I have some anti-gambling fetish: it would be nice to play some friendly dealer-choice poker with like-minded guys. But I have this thing about throwing money away for no reason at all. Just me I guess.
• I’m NEVER going to have a dog or cat or other furry animal. Six years ago, my spouse got a canary, maybe the least care-intensive pet besides a goldfish. I tolerate it (see item above about revival meetings) and I help care for it. But no way am I ever getting up at 6:15 AM on a cold February morning to escort my so-called pet outside so it can take a dump. And then for me to bag it up!
• I’m NEVER going to sit through a State of The Union rant by Donald Trump. No way am I staying up past 9:00 PM on a cold February evening to watch my so-called president take a dump. And then for me to bag it up!
• I’m NEVER going to march in a social justice event. By the time I was inspired to do so, time passed me by… Now, the time I may need to spend on my feet trumps my idealism.
• I’m NEVER going to vote for another Republican. The days of voting for “the best candidate” are long gone. I think the last Republican I voted for was Gerald Ford in 1976. (He lost.)
• I’m NEVER going to open a TikTok account. Or a LinkedIn account. Or an X account. Or an Instagram account. I’ll just stay comfortably enslaved to the Big Three: Facebook, Gmail and Amazon. I’ve made my stand, as it were.
• I’m NEVER going to get my garage cleaned out to my satisfaction — that would be a miracle. (Hmmm… are you reading, Jesus?)
• I’m NEVER going to shoot a gun of any type or description. But burglars beware, I have a baseball bat in my closet, which I promise to swing with wild abandon if you dare enter. Which in my opinion is about the only reason one can justify owning a firearm rather than a baseball bat.
• I’m NEVER going to do everything my doctor tells me to do. This is because I NEVER tell my doctor everything going on with me. Do you?
• I’m NEVER going to eat a burger with a leaf of kale, or anything ever with a leaf of kale. The interesting thing about kale: if you rearrange the letters KALE, you get EALK, which is the sound one makes when trying to eat kale.
