[Note: I originally posted this in early 2013, but it remains one of my spouse’s favorites, so who am I to judge, as the recently-departed Francis said. Unlike the Catholic Church, I promise not to make a habit (ha-ha) of recycling my old material.]
This announcement may come as a surprise, or it may come as a thief in the night, but either way, I also have decided to step down as Pope. I bet you didn’t know there was an Atheist Pope. Well, now you do. The only difference is, we call ours The Nope.
I was elected The Nope seven years ago by some cardinals that landed on our bird feeder. They thought it was a miracle how this wooden box with a perch was always full of seed, enough to feed every bird for miles around, day after day. So the cardinals met in secret and decided that I should keep feeding them, forever. They let the rest of the bird world know their decision by leaving some white drops on my chimney.
I made the most of my tenure as The Nope. I enjoyed the company of presidents and kings, and when I no longer enjoyed their company, I would just ask my wife to turn off the news. That’s right, I have a wife. You are allowed to have one when you are the Atheist Pope. I think you are allowed to have three if you are the Mormon Pope, but I am not infallible on that.
I am stepping down as The Nope to spend more time with family and maybe travel a little. I’d like to see Rome, for example, without being perched up on this balcony. I keep saying, perches are for cardinals. Anyway, arrivederci, everyone. And so long to the bubble car! I want one of those new Corvettes. In red, of course.
Ingles Supermarket, Asheville NC, January 9, 2025
Walmart Supercenter, Weaverville NC, January 23, 2025
Craig H. Collins, founder and CEO of The 100 Billionth Person, issued the following statement from his Silicon Mountain headquarters late today:
“In light of Mark Zuckerberg’s recent announcement that his social-media platform Meta will no longer perform fact-checking on Facebook and Instagram posts, the editorial team of The 100 Billionth Person has decided to follow suit. We also will no longer fact-check any of the content published on our site, effective fifteen years ago.”
Craig H. Collins making today’s announcement
“This decision was made after careful deliberation and an elegant dinner for our staff at Club Mar-a-Lago, where we dined with the President-elect, Donald J. Trump, the Vice-President-in-effect, Elon Musk, and 2028 Republican Presidential nominee J. D. Vance. We drank Trump Wine and ate Trump Steaks and discovered which side our bread was buttered on, at least for the next four years. And that’s the fact that matters most to us.”
“But I must emphatically emphasize, the action we are undertaking today does not imply that we don’t believe in facts or the truth or a reasonable facsimile that is just close enough to reality to keep us out of legal and/or political jeopardy. Far from it. To restate, our goal is to let our users wander as far from reality as they wish, because that is what freedom of speech is about. In fact, we like to call it freedom from mind.”
“And I also want to assure everyone that freedom also applies to advertising. Although we no longer run ads on The 100 Billionth Person, we could always reconsider, especially if some America First group that commands plenty of eyeballs (say, Tesla?) approaches us with the right — and I mean right — kind of message. There is no message that speaks like money, as real Americans say, and who are we to question their patriotic wisdom.”
“As CEO and Founder of The 100 Billionth Person, I assure you that we all sincerely get it, from the top to our bottom line. While some readers might have concerns that our action will advance lies and falsehoods, we earnestly believe that the opposite is true: offering our readers a free and open forum is the best way to assure that every voice is heard, that every crackpot has an equal opportunity to attract a following of fellow discontents and either go down in flames or achieve critical mass. That has always been the American way, and we are not about to get in the way of America. Or its money.”
“So we encourage all readers of The 100 Billionth Person to join together on our march to freedom where, in the immortal words of the late Bobby McGee, truth is just another word for nothing left to sell. And now we leave the fact-checking to you, whether it’s about the thousands of people that bears kill every year, or the health benefits of colon cleansing, or the army of robot dogs that are protecting our borders from illegal immigrants. When it comes to the truth, we think you deserve whatever keeps you reading. Thank you for your continued engagement. Sorry, but I am not taking questions.”