14: Dylan Song
Dylan walks into a bar
because he’s looking for some comfort
His ex hung up the phone again
without pretending to be friendly
and now Dylan does his finger-wave
Man, I know you see me!
But the barman looks right past him
to the woman in the outfit
that was way too short for Tuesday…
So Dylan waits and waits and then
storms out of that dank place
Just another slap in the face from Life
He drives back home as sirens play
the notes of a nearby incident
but Dylan can’t hear anything
than the pain of his own instrument
It’s no wonder that she left me!
is the thought that wouldn’t leave him
as he looks down Scarsdale Avenue
for the outlines of his driveway
where sirens do not penetrate
and tired cops give up their chase
and Dylan finds his special place
One less slap in the face from Life
Dylan lifts the covers from his eyes
and takes in his surroundings
a collection of the objects saved
from his eternal childhood
those Remco toys for girls and boys
and Golden Books of Knowledge
He kicks away his bedclothes and
for a minute lays so dignified
in his third-or-fourth-day underwear
so unsuitable for outings
but well-prepared for outer space
and his next slap in the face from Life
His bedroom window overlooks
the street next to the factories
The asphalt stops at the waterworks
where Dylan once went fishing
but those careless days were long ago
and Dylan now does tae-kwon-do
a less mystic form of fighting
against far more insubstantial foes
than the carp in that polluted creek
where bluegills got one last dry-eyed peek
at Dylan’s hand and its embrace
their final slap in the face from Life
He reaches back for feelings lost
before his romance faltered
and though he tries to exorcise
the ghosts of those emotions
Their dominoes fell long ago:
2 blanks gave him a broken nose
2 sixes led to their first kiss
Now she’s an existentialist
living somewhere near Los Angeles
The woman Dylan once embraced
just up and left without a trace
One last slap in his face from Life
16: Mary’s Lamb 2025
Mary had a liberal lamb
a liberal lamb
named Abraham
Mary and her liberal lamb
were fond of Jacques Cousteau
Everywhere that Mary went
her lamb would bleat
its loud dissent
Abraham was not content
to back the status quo
It followed her to school one day
leaped to her desk
and baa-ed away
It lectured on the works of Che
which was against the rules
Mary’s lamb cried, “Global peace
is worth far more
than my pale fleece! “
Her teacher promptly called the police
and Abraham fled the school
The cops arrived but didn’t find
their leftist threat
to humankind
just Little Mary disinclined
to help them find her lamb.
“My lamb is kind! ” she dared exclaim
“It is so gentle
and so tame! ”
She begged them to forget the name
of her beloved Abraham.
“Oh, Mary loves that lamb, you know,”
her teacher huffed,
“so both must go! ”
Mary’s face turned white as snow
as they hauled her to the van
Abraham was not far away
It watched this scene
with great dismay
It called out, “I will save the day! ”
and to Mary’s side it ran.
It took a bite of one cop’s ass
as if it were
sweet meadow grass
“And here’s one for the working class! ”
it cried while biting harder.
Thus Mary and her liberal lamb
would manage to
escape that jam
then post it all on Instagram
to stir Progressive ardor.
I made the most of my tenure as The Nope. I enjoyed the company of presidents and kings, and when I no longer enjoyed their company, I would just ask my wife to turn off the news. That’s right, I have a wife. You are allowed to have one when you are the Atheist Pope. I think you are allowed to have three if you are the Mormon Pope, but I am not infallible on that.
If I had a dog
I would lead her around
watch her dig in the ground
and shoot TikTok videos
of the cute scratches I found.
I would record her reaction
to bouncy brunettes
to minuscule threats
her jumping and barking
at minuscule threats
When I published my clips
0f her industrious digs
I would do careful research
and make sure my dog
has the catchiest name
to help me make money
which is what dogs are for
man’s most lucrative friend.