Yearly Archives: 2012

A memory from my 3os and 40s: driving home to Western Pennsylvania, visiting the folks, and dinners together where Dad would say something like, “I’m getting older, and I don’t know how many more chances I will get to see your sister in California.”  Dad would never share a specific reason for his (what I viewed as fatalistic) outlook, and I would either argue with him about the need for such a morbid mindset or, as I learned to do later, ignore it and change the subject.

In any event, as a relatively young guy lacking in sage and season, I was arrogant enough to think that anyone concerned with the number of times he would be able to do x, y or z was someone who had stopped living and had started counting the days.  I was unable to muster any sympathy for his stance.  It seemed negative and manipulative, and I did not want to feed into it.

So now I arrive at the doorstep of my 60s, and I find myself wondering: how many more years do I have?  What, if anything, do I need to do before my time is up to assure myself  that I have lived life to the fullest?  I try very hard not to adopt the fatalistic stance of my father, but there are times I fear heading down the same road in my private thoughts.

The last thing I want to do is give up on life’s adventure, as I judged (unfairly) that my father had done.  I don’t want to start counting.  On the other hand, when one thinks of the rich possibilities of life, when one recalls September 11, 2001, and when one considers his or her own age and life expectancy, it is hard not to think about priorities.

These are the Wonder Years, Centrum Silver version.  I wonder how many years remain for me.  I wonder whether this is all I was intended to do with my life.  I wonder, if I were to check out tomorrow, what I might regret not having done or tried.

Rejecting the pessimism of my father, I intend for these wonders to guide my decisions in this last quarter of my life, which hopefully will last a good while, answer a few questions, and give me abundant time with my loved ones.