KIRK [voice-over]: Captain’s Log, Stardate 4302.4. Communications Officer Uhura has picked up a sub-space signal from a planet in the sparsely-populated Tulsar quadrant. The Enterprise is investigating.
SULU: We have visual contact, Captain.
KIRK: On screen, Mr. Sulu.
ELDER: Greetings, Federation friends. We welcome you.
KIRK: We… also greet you. I am Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship —
ELDER: We know who you are, Captain. I am Elder Bob. We are glad your ship has come to visit our neighborhood. You have come such a long way, Captain — we would like you and your crew to be our guests and share our comfort.
[KIRK glances at SPOCK.]
SPOCK: Sensors show no unusual energy readings, Captain.
KIRK [to viewscreen]: Thank you, Elder. Our crew is… [KIRK looks around at the officers on the bridge]… very ready for some… rejuvenation. We would be… pleased… to visit you.
ELDER: Then beam your party down right away, Captain. You have our coordinates.
KIRK [turning to Chekov]: Mr. Chekov, prepare the landing party and schedule rotating leaves on the planet for the rest of the crew.
CHEKOV: Wes, Captain.
KIRK [to viewscreen]: Elder, we appreciate and look forward to your hospitality. We will be ready to transport within the hour.
ELDER: Wonderful, Captain.
KIRK [to himself]: Yes, I am. [Turns to SULU] Mr. Sulu, assemble the landing party and notify me when we are ready to beam down. I will be in my quarters. [KIRK strides to the lift and the doors open.] Deck 5. [KIRK steps inside and the doors close.]
McCOY [on bridge, glancing sideways at SPOCK]: Here we go again.
[SPOCK raises left eyebrow but stares ahead and says nothing .]
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CHEKOV [on the planet surface]: All tricorder readings normal, Captain.
KIRK: Thank you, Mr. Chekov. Now, let’s find our host.
ELDER [appearing from around a corner]: No need to look far, Captain Kirk. We are ready to welcome you. Shall we sing? [ELDER motions to a young man with a lute.]
KIRK: Sing?
ELDER: We sing to celebrate our fortune. [ELDER begins to sing along with the lute.] “Praise, praise, praise our comfort, raise, raise–“
KIRK [raising his hand to silence the lute]: Elder Bob. We are… very pleased… to be here but we are also tired and ready for… relaxation. I would like… the rest of my crew… to see your planet and get… acquainted… with your people. [KIRK glances to the left and right.] Where are your people, by the way?
ELDER: In the Comfortorium, Captain. Come meet them.
CHEKOV: Captain, the tricorder shows multiple lifeforms congregating 100 meters away.
KIRK [horny and impatient]: Fine, let’s go meet them. And then I would like to start transporting our crew members to the planet surface… with your permission, Elder.
SPOCK [leaning toward KIRK]: As your First Officer, I advise caution, Captain.
ELDER: We have no objections, Captain. Beam them all down, whenever you choose.
KIRK [reaching for communicator]: Kirk to Enterprise. Initiate transport of all crew to the planet surface. Get their asses down here. Kirk out.
SPOCK: Captain…
KIRK [eyeing Spock]: Yes, Mr. Spock? You have some… logical… objection?
SPOCK: No, Captain. But my study of this planet suggests that visitors are obligated to take part in a peculiar ritual of which we have little experience. It may be risky.
KIRK: Let’s go party, Mr. Spock. [KIRK lowers his voice.] Spock, what is it with the lutes? Why do they all play lutes? Every… where… we… go!
ELDER: Right this way, Captain. Welcome to our community.
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[The seven-member landing party is led to an indoor atrium.]
KIRK: What is this? This isn’t a party. This looks like… some kind of… funeral. Why are all these people standing in line?
ELDER: Oh, the latecomers always look unhappy. Come — because you are special guests, I will take you to the front of the line.
KIRK [whispering to Spock as they walk past those in line]: Spock, what’s going on here?
SPOCK: The people of this planet call this ritual comforting. Approximately 84% of them participate in the ritual. It is practiced regularly.
KIRK: What about the other 16%? What do they do?
SPOCK: Those who do not participate are treated as outcasts, Captain. They are never chosen as leaders. Their motives and morals are suspect and they are considered threats.
KIRK: Threats!
ELDER [interrupting KIRK and SPOCK]: Here we are, Captain, at the Comfort Pedestal. It is our privilege to have you join us. Please, Captain, step up to the Pedestal.
[KIRK approaches the Pedestal and observes the man at the front of the line. Kirk sees the man reach for a blue button on the Pedestal. The man presses the button and looks down. A bluish-purple light shines on the man for five seconds and then fades. The man walks away from the Pedestal, smiling.]
KIRK [to ELDER]: What… just happened… here?
ELDER: That was The Comfort, Captain. Come! What good fortune! You are next.
KIRK [turns to SPOCK]: Spock! Your analysis!
SPOCK: Ordinary electromagnetic radiation, Captain, wavelength about 420 nanometers.
KIRK [exasperated]: Plain English, Mr. Spock.
SPOCK: Purple-colored light, Jim. Nothing more, nothing less.
KIRK [to ELDER]: Elder Jim!
ELDER: Not Jim, Bob.
KIRK: Bob, Bob, yes. What does the purple light do? My First Officer says it is ordinary… [KIRK rubs his forehead]… electromatic… radar… friction. Well, whatever Spock said. But surely… you do not believe that this light does… anything… to help your people?
ELDER: On the contrary, Captain. See for yourself. Our people step up to the Pedestal, sad and overwhelmed by the events in their lives, but then they press the Button, receive the Comfort and walk away refreshed and ready to engage in the world many more days. How would you argue with this?
KIRK: We would… argue… that your so-called comfort is just a purple light. Elder Jim, or Bob, or Jim Bob, you must have heard of the placebo effect. It is ancient science. Pressing a button and lighting a light is a placebo — it only does… what you believe… it does.
ELDER: You underestimate us, Captain Kirk. We know about placebos. And we know the power of belief. Our people don’t believe because we press the Button, Captain. We press the Button because we believe.
SPOCK: Is there a difference, Elder?
ELDER: Press the Button, Mr. Spock, and see for yourself. It is because we believe that we receive the blessing of Comfort that the Light conveys.
McCOY [stepping forward]: Cackleberry comfort if you ask me! Anyone who is worth a damn deals with life as it is, with all its ups and downs, he doesn’t just press some blasted blue button! Let me press the damn button and you can see for your own self!
[McCOY pushes SPOCK aside, strides to the Pedestal and slams his palm onto the Button. He is bathed in a bluish-purple light that fades after several seconds.]
KIRK: McCoy! Doctor McCoy!
[McCOY stares blankly at KIRK]
KIRK: Bo… Bones.
McCOY [weakly]: Jim.
KIRK: Yes, Bones.
McCOY: I think you are a wonderful Captain, Jim. Captain Jim. Captain Jim’s fish sticks. Ahoy, space sailors! Captain Jim has some delicious fish sticks for you. Catch of the day.
KIRK [to his communicator]: Kirk to Enterprise. Lock onto Doctor McCoy’s signal and beam him directly to Sick Bay. Keep me posted on his condition. Kirk out.
[McCOY dissolves into a sparkly cloud]
KIRK [regaining composure]: Elder Bob, your Button and your Comfort are dangerous. Your people come here to feel better. But they feel better only because you have convinced them that these… things… do something. They fool themselves and you fool them too.
ELDER: Captain, no one is being fooled here. As the Ancients said, “To those who press the Button, no explanation is necessary. To those who refrain, no explanation is possible.”
KIRK [as one person after another presses the Button and walks away]: And what about Doctor McCoy? How do you explain that? Elder, we wish to retire to our quarters now.
ELDER [with pained expression of disapproval]: Very well, Captain. [ELDER gestures to lute player.] He will show you to your quarters. [Lute player smiles to himself.]
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KIRK [gesturing to lute player guarding the quarters]: Please… do… play! Thank you. [Lute player strums loudly as Kirk turns away.] Wonderful. I love the lute.
KIRK [to landing crew as the lute masks his words]: Eighty-four percent of the inhabitants of this planet are… enslaved… in this… cult of comfort. I want that Button broken and that Light shattered. The people of this planet must be… free… to choose their own paths of personal renewal. Now… the Prime Directive says I cannot do this because I would be… interfering… with the natural development of another civilization. But what do you say, Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: I…
COLLINS: Captain Kirk!
KIRK: Yes, Ensign Collins.
COLLINS: Captain, if I may speak freely. We have talked about this, Professor Dawkins and I. We are willing to stay here on the planet and find an opportunity to destroy the Button and the Light after the Enterprise leaves the quadrant. The Enterprise can return to the planet at a later time and beam us up to the ship undetected. No one on the planet — or in Starfleet Command — would be aware of any violation of the Prime Directive. But most importantly, the Button and the Light and the Comfort would be gone.
KIRK: Professor Dawkins. I take it you are on board with this plan?
DAWKINS: It was my idea, Captain. A delusion is something that people believe in despite a total lack of evidence. I do not believe in delusions. They are not healthy.
COLLINS: Captain, for the plan to be successful, you must leave us with a phaser.
KIRK: Understood. [Gives his phaser to COLLINS] And, Ensign…
COLLINS: Yes, Captain.
KIRK: While you’re at it — do something about that lute.
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KIRK [voice-over]: Captain’s Log, Stardate 4313.2, Easter Day in the Old Federation. Doctor McCoy has fully recovered from his latest indiscretion with Acamarian brandy. For reasons unknown to the Enterprise officers, Ensign Collins and Professor Dawkins chose to abandon their posts and remain on the planet. It is unlikely that the Enterprise will ever return to this sector. We commend Collins and Dawkins for their service and wish them, and the rest of the planet, a very Happy Easter.
[The Enterprise turns and flies out of orbit.]
The Asheville Citizen-Times reported today that “kindergartners with religious vaccine exemptions jumped to 4.22 percent in Buncombe County during the current school year — five times the state average and well above rates in surrounding counties.” It would be easy to start ranting about Bible Belt mountain folk, how they reject science and put the health of their children and the community at risk. But they are not alone by any means. According to the CDC, the rate of non-medical exemption from kindergarten vaccination in 2011-2012 was 4% or higher in eight states: Alaska, Idaho, Illinois, Michigan, Oregon, Vermont, Washington and Wisconsin. These figures combine “religious” reasons with “philosophic” reasons — some states allow exemptions for one reason but not the other. North Carolina, for example, allows religious but not philosophic exemptions.
By contrast, the states with the lowest rates (0.6% or less) of non-medical exemptions from mandatory vaccination were Alabama, Delaware, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, New York, Tennessee, Mississippi and West Virginia (the last two states do not allow religious or philosophical objections to vaccination). It is interesting to note that these groups of states cannot be divided neatly into any red-state vs blue-state, rich vs poor, urban vs rural, or religious vs secular dichotomy.
John M. Snyder, a Tufts University pediatrics professor and a practicing pediatrician in Massachusetts, offers a clue to this “I know nothing but I know best” stance in his recent contribution to the blog Science-Based Medicine. Snyder notes that, while he sees “the children of farmers, mechanics, refugees, and university professors” in his practice, those parents who challenge the recommended vaccination schedule “tend to be highly educated, economically privileged, and part of the cultural trend [of] self-empowerment and the questioning of authority.” You may judge for yourself how well that description fits the disparate populations of Alaska, Michigan, Oregon, Vermont and Asheville.
But I uncovered another correlation. I visited the website of the so-called American Association of Naturopathic Physicians (whoever they are and whatever they claim to be) and counted the number of natural medicine practices listed on that site, for each of the states mentioned above. I then divided the number of naturopathic practices in each state by the population of the state to find the number of such practices per million residents. Finally, I grouped the results according to the highest and lowest rates of non-medical vaccination exemptions among the states:
The online version of the Asheville Yellow Pages has no fewer than 81 entries under the heading of “Homeopathic Doctors” (an oxymoron to be sure, but that’s Asheville for you). This is a rate of 33o listings per million residents of Buncombe County, almost ten times greater than the per-capita number of naturopathic practices in Alaska. Small wonder then that there are so many vaccination scofflaws in this little town I live in.
Some people question authority without having the authority of knowledge themselves. Their thinking goes something like, “Doctors don’t know everything, therefore I will rely on my own fragmentary bits of information.” The extent to which people can defend their own ignorance, even as they acknowledge it and present it as a sign of intelligence*, is at the same time fascinating and depressing.
I say, feel free to swallow all the fish-oil capsules you want, and order all the lab tests that you think will guide you to physical and mental harmony, but please, for my sake and your neighbor’s sake as well as your children’s sake, let your children be vaccinated. Set aside your suspicions. Resist the temptation to cherry-pick stories that confirm your own bias. Embrace the fact that you are smart but do not necessarily know better than your doctor.
I leave the parting shot (if you will) to pediatric nurse practitioner Sue Ellen Collins: “There are many serious things parents have to make decisions about regarding their children’s welfare. Whether to vaccinate them is not one of them. It’s a no-brainer. Protect them, vaccinate them.”
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* Amy Carson of the group “Moms Against Mercury” told the Citizen-Times: “You have to remember, Asheville is a very health-minded city… I think that people are getting smarter because they are researching and they are asking questions and they are not getting the answers they are looking for, so they’re getting scared.”
I suggest that the Moms Against Mercury would be more informed and less scared if they were to read the abstract of this 2011 article published in Annals of Pharmacotherapy: “In 1998, Dr. Andrew Wakefield, a British gastroenterologist, described a new autism phenotype called the regressive autism-enterocolitis syndrome triggered by environmental factors such as measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR) vaccination. The speculative vaccination-autism connection decreased parental confidence in public health vaccination programs and created a public health crisis in England and questions about vaccine safety in North America. After 10 years of controversy and investigation, Dr. Wakefield was found guilty of ethical, medical, and scientific misconduct in the publication of the autism paper. Additional studies showed that the data presented were fraudulent. The alleged autism-vaccine connection is, perhaps, the most damaging medical hoax of the last 100 years.”