I have been disturbed by recent developments in Ukraine, Russia and Crimea.   You see, many of the readers of my blog are from those areas — I can tell by inspecting my log files.  Russians in particular are so eager to read my blog that they keep trying to hack my site, no doubt hoping to get a glimpse of my next post before I publish it.  And based on the number of visits this site gets from Russian search engines, my blog must be at least the third-most-popular website in Russian-speaking lands.*

Because so many of my readers are in Crimea, and because I want them to be able to freely read my blog and its comradely point of view, I have no choice but to move forcibly into Crimea with a battalion of words and ideas.  But these words will not bear my insignia — no, to the idle observer, it will seem as if they arose from the Crimean people themselves.  My onslaught of words is only intended to protect the Russian-speaking followers of this blog from oppression and fascism and allow them to enjoy the wisdom of the now-official blog of their motherland, The 100 Billionth Person.

To this noble end, anything and everything is justified.

Therefore, I announce that I also plan to annex Crimea.  I have consulted my advisers — they tell me that it is in concordance with international law for a blog to annex a region that is vital to its literary interests, and I choose to believe them.  I will bury Crimea with my glorious prose and propaganda, until the people join the revolution in writing led by The 100 Billionth Person — The Iron Fist of Blogging.**

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* Among Russophiles, my blog trails only The Apple Store and The Labour Representation Committee website in popularity.  Although I have no chance of surpassing The Apple Store, I do have hopes of moving ahead of The Labour Representation Committee, based on this recent post:  “Hello Comrades:   There are no occasions when NATO does any good.  It cannot happen.  It is never doing any good.  There are no exceptions.  Capital is labour-power expropriated, and that is that.  Those who disagree – with this – need to study more this subject, and break more entirely than they do with the capitalist system.”

** The Moscow Times had this praise for my exemplar Comrade Putin: “With almost all authority held by a single individual, it is impossible to address the full breadth of the problems facing the country in any comprehensive or systematic way.  Instead, Putin, who to this day still lacks a coherent long-term strategy for the country’s development, haphazardly addresses only those issues that grab his attention, while the key fundamental issues affecting all of society are largely neglected.”  This describes my blog up, down, left and right — but mostly left, Dear Comrade.