[Editor’s Note: This news brief was discovered in a stack of papers nearly 40 years old.  We are publishing it now because it is still considered “news” on Bizarro World and we want to be responsible.  There was no byline on the article, but we have some ideas.]

ON MY RECENT TRIP to Bizarro World, I met with the President at 
his unfurnished flat in the ghetto.  Our talks were, of course, 
uninformative and useless.

_____

THE PRESIDENT DID STATE that spending for defense would increase, 
as would spending for garbage collection.  Budget cuts in other
areas, notably in education and piano tuning, would offset those
increases.  Noting that "the people of Bizarro World want change,"
the President also authorized a special minting of over two million
dimes and quarters.

_____

RECENT ATTENTION IN BIZARRO WORLD has been focused on the role of 
the President's budget director who, as one source put it, "eats
with his mouth full."  It was supposedly the budget director who
advised the President to appear on television wearing nothing but
a barrel.  That idea was set aside, however, when the President
realized he would have no place to carry all his change.

_____

IN HIS ADDRESS to the world, the President described the critical
state of the Bizarro economy.  "I have seen people throw away their
money because they could not afford to keep it," he lamented. 
"I have also seen dogs fighting in the street over worthless bones.
These are not pretty sights to see," the President concluded.

_____

ON THE SUBJECT OF DOGS, there remains active controversy concerning
the DRA (Dog's Rights Amendment).  In order for DRA to become law,
it must be ratified by 29 of the 373 sectors of Bizarro World.
At this time, DRA has been passed by 52 sectors, 31 of which 
rescinded their ratification, while 18 of those sectors rescinding
ratification ratified it once again, and 7 of those who reratified
it decided to rerescind it.  Because talk of dogs is illegal in the
remaining 221 sectors, the amendment has not come to a vote there.

_____

THE MAN IN THE STREET appears to know little of the actual intent
of DRA.  I talked to one man in the street who told me, "I ain't
sharing my gutter with no dog.  They can piss on the hydrants
where they belong."

_____

MEANWHILE, A RECENT SPATE OF HOTEL FIRES here has prompted Bizarro
authorities to institute new measures for fire security in public
buildings.  One-pound packages of ground chuck will be placed in
special containers on each floor of such buildings; the smell of
cooking hamburgers will warn residents of the building of the
presence of fire.  Additionally, in order to lessen the danger to
firemen searching a burning building for occupants, persons are
being instructed not to hide in closets but rather to proceed to
the roof and start grilling.

_____

REGARDING THE DRA, one Bizarro World fire official noted, "We have
had dogs on the force for years and we get along fine."