If I had the mitt-fortune of being Mitt Romney….

• First of all, I would wish I weren’t, because my wife would be named Ann.
• Also, my wife would be Mormon and, come to think of it, so would I.  This may present a conflict, as my underwear is from Sears.
• I would allow corporations to vote.  Corporations are people too.  If Obama were a corporation, he might have some idea how bad it is for people, I mean, for corporations.
• I wouldn’t visit Mississippi for the first time ever and then say how much I like grits.
I would dye my gray sideburns.  Look folks, I’m trying to become President, not Paulie Gualtieri, no offense to my Italian-American friends.
• I would talk more slowly and not jerk my arms like a tin-man.  More oil, please.
• I would have four more kids so I could claim to be the real anti-contraception candidate in this election, my friends.
• I would move out of Massachusetts, telling my supporters, “I have just found out that there is ASS in Massachusetts — this is objectionable to me, and to my family.  So I have decided to move to Utah.  There is no ASS in Utah.  And I promise you, as long as I am in Washington, there never will be.”