We all know Toucan Sam™, the Froot Loops® mascot. Turns out, Sam is not a good spokesbird for the brand. How do I know? I am a scientist. I conducted a study.
Background: The study began yesterday morning when I decided to have a bowl of Cheerios for breakfast and discovered I was out of them. The only cereal in the cupboard was a long-abandoned plastic container of Froot Loops that we bought when our niece last visited. So the cereal is what, just eight or nine years old?
Naturally I poured some in a bowl, added milk and took a bite. They were terrible. I mean, more so than usual. Think of tropical-flavored garden-sprayer hose.
Something inspired me (maybe the spirit of Toucan Sam) to imagine that the birds might enjoy this “treat” more than I did. So I sprinkled the rest of the cereal over the picnic table where we put our bird feeder in the winter. Some sunflower seed was already there.
Observations:
• Morning doves are voracious eaters but they simply trampled over the Froot Loops and only ate the remaining sunflower seeds.
• Titmice and chickadees landed on the table, looked down, then flew away crestfallen.
• A curious cardinal walked up to an orange-colored Froot Loop. She tilted her head at one angle, then another, then pecked at the piece and hopped back, startled. She then walked in an arc around a green-colored Froot Loop, making sure she kept several inches away.
Conclusion: Birds not only dislike Froot Loops, they appear to be afraid of them. My guess is that their color and shape remind them of some kind of poisonous or parasitic worm.
Recommendation: For the sake of truth in advertising, the Kellogg Company should retire Toucan Sam as the Froot Loops mascot. Suggestion: Replace him with Joe The Plumber.
The only bird that likes Froot Loops is fictional — because the cereal itself doesn’t look real. I’m glad that bona fide birds have a lick of sense in those Sugar-Pop-sized brains of theirs.
I am on my way to Oprah’s studios as we speak, so that I can finally confess to the world what everyone who knows me already knows: I took performance-enhancing substances when I was touring France. Yes, it was over a decade ago when I was last there, installing new hardware and software in a Kodak manufacturing plant in Chalon-sur-Saône. (Sadly, the factory is now demolished. C’est la vie.) But I owe it to my fans and supporters, not to mention all those who donated millions to my non-profit and for-profit endeavors, to finally admit that my on-the-job performance was enhanced by my sampling the regional wines from Auxey-Duresses, Mersault and Givry, as well as le café wherever it was served.
Oprah, I have to tell you the tear-jerking truth: it was not really work to go to work for Kodak in Chalon-sur-Saône. The factory cafeteria offered wine by the carafe, which was enjoyed by employees without shame. After lunch, most would walk up to the espresso machines, insert their tokens, and step away with a respectable demitasse of the brew, which they would consume in about a minute while standing around a tall bistro table. Oprah, I wanted so much to have another cup, but I was taught that the French only take coffee once a day. (I assume that this was to avoid detection by the authorities.)