This is a two-section post on recent goings-on in the investment world, just to warn those of you who are not interested in such things.  It is accompanied by my usual disclaimer that I have no formal training in finance and investing other than my half-year stint as a financial-planning student way back when.  That said, my personal experience and my modest successes and mistakes in investing might be worthy of your consideration.

The so-called Trump Rally

I’m sure you have heard on the news how the election of Donald J. Trump touched off this  really incredible stock market rally, with stocks up about 11 percent since November 9.  The pundits say it reflects the confidence that American corporations will benefit from his pro-growth policies and so will spend more on capital, hire more workers and increase their earnings.  But I contend that it is not that much of a rally in the first place, and the last thing that most companies want to do is hire more U.S. workers.  Tax cuts, they like.

But about that rally.  I refer you to the sidebar of this page (for full-screen users) where you will find The Trend — this is an app I programmed a few years ago that compares the S&P 500 stock index to the expected value of that index, based on its price history since 1950.  My app shows that the S&P 500 index is, as of this writing, about 3.5% above its long-term trend.  Not 7% (a typical year’s worth of U.S. stock market gains) or 10% or 20%, but 3.5%.  So Trump seems to have made large corporations 3.5%, or six months, more confident in their futures than they otherwise should be.  At least that’s how I read it.

The current rally has given some investors — excuse me, speculators — reason to celebrate in the short-term.  But these traders will be seeking to cash in their profits from the rally, maybe before the end of the quarter, probably by May, using some adverse bit of news as an excuse.  When the selling begins, the rally will fade and perhaps reverse.  None of the pundits will refer to this as the Trump Dump — they will call it profit-taking.  Some traders will manage to get out the minute prices begin to fall, others won’t time it so well.  But all the big firms we loved to hate back in 2008 will make money, whichever way prices move, even if the rest of us slog along.  That’s what makes Wall Street different from Main Street.

By the way, the S&P 500 ETF (exchange traded fund) increased in value by 166% during the eight years that President Obama was in office, an average annual rise of 13% a year.  Granted, the market started off at an abysmally low level due to the financial crisis that Obama inherited, but still, it is noteworthy that the financial pundits refused to refer to eight years of rising stock prices as the Obama Rally.  Why is this?  Because most of them buy into the Republican fantasy that Democrats are bad for business, and they’re sure as hell not going to change their tune now.

[Update: I am not the only “Trump Rally” skeptic.  Two days after I published this post, Barry Ritholtz of Bloomberg News presented even better evidence that the current rally has little or nothing to do with Trump; in fact, the U.S. stock market has actually lagged global markets since his election.]

The Biggest Loser

I implied at the outset that I have made some investing mistakes.  Yes, it took me time to learn what investing is about and become confident in my ability to manage our savings.  Like many others, I started out by reading popular financial publications like Money and Barron’s and listening to radio shows like Bob Brinker’s Money Talk.  For several years, I even subscribed to Brinker’s monthly newsletter, which presented his take on the market and his recommendations for various mutual funds.

I have to give Brinker credit for one thing: he convinced me that stock brokers (or sharks as he called them) did not have my best interests at heart and that people like me could do fine without them.  That message resonated with me, and in the main I think he was right.

But I ventured into managing our savings like someone who has just been taught to swim and then heads for the diving boards.  The first mistake I made was chasing returns, the habit of selling mutual funds that didn’t do so well the previous year, and buying funds that had done better — a habit encouraged, ironically, by the monthly updating of mutual fund ratings in money magazines, not to mention the tweaks that Brinker would make in his newsletter portfolios.

Aside: If you published a financial newsletter, wouldn’t you feel almost obligated to tweak your recommendations once in a while, if only to justify your existence?  You wouldn’t want to adjust it very often, because subscribers might suspect you have no convictions… but neither would you want to sit on your recommendations very long, because then your subscribers might think you are unresponsive to market conditions.  So if I wrote a financial newsletter, I would make adjustments, say, three times a year.  That’s about the right balance between conviction and unresponsiveness, don’t you think?  If you agree, what does that say about financial advice and how it is marketed?

So with my swimming-pool confidence, I bought some stocks in the mid-2000s, like YUM (Kentucky Fried Chicken) and SRZ (Sunrise Senior Living) — then I sold them and made some money (see chart below) and I thought I was hot stuff.  I also bought eventual losers like CHKE (Cherokee) and NUTR (Nutraceuticals) because both companies offered low price-to-earnings ratios in an era of expensive stocks, and I was lured by the scent of a bargain.  This taught me that the home-grown investor never knows enough about most companies to justify investing in them.  Besides, no one — home-grown or otherwise — can ever predict the future.

yumThe bottom line is that it is easy to buy and sell stocks and make money when the market is rising, as it did between 2003 and 2007 (by about 50 percent).  But buying and selling in rising markets can give one a false sense of competence that is sure to serve one ill later, when markets go down, as they inevitably will.

arkasha-stevenson-miami-heraldbruce berkowitz

Bruce Berkowitz
Photo by Arkasha Stevenson, Miami Herald

This is just what befell Bruce Berkowitz (shown here in his adopted state of Florida), manager and investment adviser for the Fairholme Fund.  Fairholme was one of the funds Bob Brinker recommended in the late 200os.  Based on its record, its professed value-oriented philosophy and Brinker’s say-so, I invested some of our savings in Fairholme Fund (FAIRX) in early 2010.  I thought I was diversifying, which is what the investment pros are always promoting.

But here’s the rub.  The managers who (along with Berkowitz) chalked up Fairholme’s impressive returns in the mid-2000s decided to leave the fund and start their own venture.  Berkowitz seemed to become unhinged.  He used the fund to make big bets (with emphasis on bets) on companies like Sears, AIG, St. Joe (a Florida land development company whose chairman is Berkowitz) and mortgage brokers Freddie Mac/Fannie Mae.  In 2011, Barron’s quoted a Wall-Streeter about Berkowitz: “The way he’s making money… is not how the 10-year track record was created.”

I didn’t like what I was seeing.  I decided to sell our shares of Fairholme in 2012 — this was no longer the fund I thought I had invested in.  Here is what happened to Fairholme Fund (FAIRX, blue line in chart below) in the years since the financial crisis, compared to how stocks in the S&P 500 (green line) performed:

Fairholme Fund Performance since March 2009 (Morningstar)

All this time, Fairholme has doggedly hung onto its investment in Sears.  Berkowitz must have a thing about going down with the ship — at least we didn’t go down with him.

In October 2014, The Miami Herald reported that Bruce Berkowitz was worth about a half-billion dollars, but that was before His Great Fall.  I hope (well, not all that much) that Bruce is enjoying life among the palm fronds, thumbing through his millions while his shareholders lose their shirts.  His fund’s poor showing has certainly not kept him from touting his financial fantasy on Fairholme’s website:  “When the crowd stampedes left, we advance right — with courage of conviction.  In short, we ignore the crowd.”  Not to mention reality.

I no longer own any individual stocks.  I am no smarter or more well-informed than the traders on Wall Street, so what business do I have buying or selling stock?  Answer: None. Today, almost all our retirement savings are in passively-managed indexed mutual funds.  I rebalance them twice a year, using the gains in the better-performing funds to buy shares in the lesser-performing funds.  Financial planners have their place, but you don’t need a financial planner to do this relatively simple task.

I wish you luck in your financial ventures, as long as you don’t venture too far.  Steer clear of other people’s financial fantasies, stay tethered to reality, and you too can confidently manage your retirement savings.

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• Saltines shouldn’t be salted on the top but the bottom, where our taste buds are.

• By the way, I want to register a formal complaint to the Attorney General about Nabsico, the company that makes Premium Saltines.  We have been getting lots of broken crackers  the past few months.  That was never a problem before Donald Trump was elected.  Sad!  Need to investigate!

• Judges (and attorney generals) are often called upon to “recuse themselves” when their personal interests may cloud their ability to make impartial judgments.  My issue is with the object of recuse: one cannot recuse another; a recuser can only recuse oneself, which renders the object of the verb redundant.

• Cars fail to start about 10,000 times more frequently in the movies than in real life.  Hollywood needs better car mechanics.

• Trees three styles.  From Hilton Head, South Carolina:

tree-three-styles• I have not been in many women’s restrooms — after all, it is illegal in North Carolina —  but I have to assume that they are not the nearly-universal disaster that men’s rooms tend to be, in all but the better establishments.  Why do so many men want to make such a mess of things?  Why do other men not only put up with it but expect it?  I intend to dedicate a future blog post to photos of public men’s rooms — without men, of course — in order to heap shame on both their users and their owners, if that is possible.

• When men stop trashing public restrooms, I might start trusting them to do things like, say, crafting health care legislation or acting as commander-in-chief.  Until then, I assume that what they do in the restroom reflects how they would act in more important matters.

• Please note how I showed excellent restraint by not using “piss on them” as a punchline in the previous item.  This is a family blog.

• A fair number of Trump supporters seem to be less interested in more education and more interested in Trump finding jobs for the less educated.  I hate to break it to you, but it looks like one of you already has the Secretary of Education job.  I’ll leave it at that.

• I support primary health care, but my last primary-care physician didn’t seem to want to deliver it.  She would triage me to specialists for things that I know a PCP should be able to handle, if only she were willing to work with me.  It was akin to calling a repair shop and saying, “My car won’t start” and getting the response, “OK, please hold — we need to refer you to a battery specialist.”  I didn’t know whom to blame, my insurer or my doctor or her malpractice insurer.   So I now have a new primary-care physician, and so far so good.

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The latest meme in internet ads is the teaser titled “N things that X hid from its fans.”  Examples include the twenty things the producers hid from Bonanza fans and the sixteen things the producers of Three’s Company hid from its fans.  If you search “hid from fans” you will find references to Bewitched, Golden Girls, Seinfeld, Cheers, The Walking Dead, The Beverly Hillbillies, Forrest Gump, and many other first-world entertainments.

The incredible amount of hidden information now being revealed about beloved movies and television shows must be due to some deplorable leaker like Edward Snowden and/or the Russians.  At least that’s who I would blame.

But why wait for Comrade Snowden or Wikileaks to reveal my secrets, I said to myself.  After all, these are my beans to spill.  So I have decided to publish a dossier of the most fascinating things — thirteen to be exact, since thirteen is the most fascinating number — that I have, until now, hidden from my fans.  The secrets you are about to learn are pretty much true, and best of all, they are ad-free.

 • 1 •    Wtallgoosehen I was very little, I remember reading rhymes from the book “The Tall Book of Mother Goose”  (pictured at right).  It was my older sister’s book, and it turns out that she (and my mother) had held onto it all these years.  So, the last time I visited my sister, I thumbed through the book and I was shocked to see that most of the pages had been scribbled on with crayons.  The book was more or less ruined.  Guess who had done that.

 • 2 •   I was in a spelling bee in either fifth or sixth grade, and I lost because I didn’t know how to spell mattress.  I still don’t know how to spell mattress.  I have to look it up.  But at least I no longer cry about getting it wrong.

  • 3 •    Before I started college, I gave up a part (as an extra!) in a hometown play directed by a good friend, because my mother would not let me park her 1968 Chrysler Imperial in “that part of town” where the playhouse was.  Later on, I imagined that the reason she didn’t want me to be involved in the play might be due to her disapproval of my friend’s sexual orientation.  But now, I have gone back to thinking that her paramount concern was in fact the Chrysler Imperial, and I cannot decide what speaks worse — and that includes my choice to withdraw from the play.  After all, I could have taken a bus.

 • 4 •    I play an online billiards game at miniclip.com.  When I lose, as I do 42% of the time, I am more likely to attribute it to my opponent’s luck (or some paid-for advantage of his) than any deficiency in my own skill.  Not sure why I continue to play if I think I am being hustled.  (Note of comfort to spouse: I have not spent, or lost, any money on this game.)

 • 5 •    I call myself an artist but I have given away five times as many works as I ever sold.  I worry that knowing this would make my buyers feel remorseful.

 • 6 •   My middle initial H stands for Howard — not Hoss, Harry, Hogwarts or Henceforth.  The name Howard goes back four generations on my father’s side.  I have a sentimental detachment toward it.  My son will have to speak for himself.

 • 7 •   I remembePaul Fordr a short-lived TV series in the 1960s called “The Baileys of Balboa.”  It was the perfect example of how a great character actor (Paul Ford) could be miscast as a lead.  I am probably the only person in this world (other than his grandchildren) who remembers “The Baileys of Balboa” or pays even scant tribute to Paul Ford or that awful show.

 • 8 •   I voted for Gerald Ford, John Anderson and Ross Perot for president.  I have voted for the winning candidate only three times in twelve presidential elections.  It would have been four for twelve in 2016 — but for the Curse of Ford!

 • 9 •   I would have emigrated to Canada before I ever would have reported for duty for the Vietnam War.  I didn’t believe in much back then, but my belief in my own continuity was stronger than my belief in the legitimacy of that war or the legitimacy of those who called upon young people to fight and die there.  Others could make their own choices, but I saw no point in taking on something I would never be suited for and could never agree with.  And I would have come back dead, there can be no doubt of that.  The draft lottery not only spared me from the decision to emigrate, but it saved my life — my number was 244.  I still harbor a discomfiting mix of gratitude and guilt toward that number.

 • 10 •   I have a pin-on button from the 1960s that says DRAFT BEER NOT STUDENTS, along with a button from 1972 that — depending on the viewing angle — flashes a headshot of Richard Nixon or his campaign slogan, NIXON’S THE ONE.  The Nixon button was one of those things my mother picked up because she thought it would be a collector’s item.  Mom would be disappointed to learn that the Nixon button is being sold on eBay for about $7.50 (or $1.30 in 1972 dollars).  I really should throw the buttons away… but then again, why not just let my kids do it.

 • 11 •   Although I express plenty of political thoughts on this blog, I must now tell the truth: I never passed the bar exam.  In fact, I never even enrolled in law school or took the LSAT.  I never attended a political science class.   So I am uniquely unqualified to comment on ineptitude in government.  Instead, I must defer to KellyAnne Conway, as she seems to be the reigning expert.  Forgive me, but I could not hide this fact anymore.

 • 12 •    I liked Nancy Drew books much more than the Hardy Boys adventures.  I still recall the titles of those I read:  The Hidden Staircase, The Mystery of the Tolling BellThe Sign of the Twisted Candles.  Nancy was pretty cool, but I never could reconcile Nancy driving her roadster around the countryside, at age eighteen, without telling her father where she was going — let alone having her own roadster.  (See 1968 Chrysler Imperial, above).

 • 13 •    Half of what I write here is written while having a martini.  The other half is written while having either another martini, or a bowl of cereal.  Proofreading, deliberations and second-thoughts tend to take place the morning before publication.  As if this is news.

 • BONUS •    Speaking of news, I was the cartoonist for our college newspaper, The Tartan.  I had good days and bad days.  Luckily, it was the 1970s, and the paper did not have to try to look professional.  That (and the fact that I was also features editor) is how I got away with publishing my most perplexing strip (click to enlarge) on April 15, 1971:

Jello Caves Hate Spelunkers - Craig H CollinsToday, I can publish anything I want. That’s because I don’t have to look professional here. And besides, I’m still the features editor.

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