She speaks with that half-hearted Ardor

from her perch in the whiteness of Bangor

mouthing what she thinks passes for Candor

with her eye on who might be her next Donor.

She reigns as our national Equivocator:

It’s the one thing that makes her a Factor.

Having failed in her bid to be Governor,

Maine elected her their main Hesitator.

Lacking creds as a dogged Investigator,

Susan presents herself as an impartial Juror

(disregarding the con-job by Kavanaugh)

and the Senate’s most serious Legislator

always ‘troubled’  by some gross Misbehavior.

She’s never been much of a Negotiator

but simply another shrewd Operator

in the dress of a centrist Protector

and the voice of the dullest of Question-ors.

Her true calling was probably a Realtor

instead of a mealy-mouthed Spin-doctor,

a half-truth and quarter-truth Tolerator

whose motives are reliably Ulterior.

Ms. Collins found her niche as a Vacillator.

So who needs to be a gender Warrior,

And who needs to be a government X-rayor,

when you can be a fence-sitting Yea-sayor

and get elected as Senator Zig-zaggor?

Madame Senate-Or Susan M. Collins

No relation, no, none at all

Playing both sides, A to Z, clumsily.

Maybe the only poem ever written about her

The mediocre poem she’s long deserved.