Yearly Archives: 2016

Two Types of People
Posted on August 16, 2016 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

Shall we plow some already well-plowed ground?  Why not!  It’s the 100 billionth episode of there are two types of people in this world…

  • … those who mark the books they read, and those who refrain from doing so, because the next reader should be free to judge for herself what is important.
  • … those who enjoy Neil Diamond, and those who keep their mouths shut when his name is mentioned in polite company, lest an argument ensue.
  • … those who assert that certain dog breeds are inherently dangerous, and those who have bullmastiffs as pets.
  • … first-worlders who strive to weigh less, and third-worlders who hope to weigh more.
  • … those who tell stories, and those who make observations.
  • … those who tell their dinner guests “I pay more taxes than you make in a year,” and those who are horrified to discover the type of people they agreed to have dinner with.
  • … those who use the expression my hard-earned money, and most Democrats.
  • … those who get the previous statement, and those who think they do.
  • … those who watch television, and those who fiddle around on their laptop while the spouse watches television.
  • … those who have to worry about malaria, dengue and ebola, and those who live in Northern Europe, Canada and the United States.
  • … those who are big Elmo fans, and those who think Grover was a more complex and interesting Sesame Street character, but what do we know?  We’re adults.
  • … those who watch The Bachelor, and billions of people with better things to do.
  • … those who believe that black lives matter, and those who agree that they do but then pedantically insist that other lives matter too, such as those of dogs, police, whites, the homeless, vets, and — I am not kidding — robots.
  • … those who are witty, entertaining and tolerable, and those for whom two-out-of-three will have to suffice, among them Ricky Gervais, Hugh Jackman, and me. (David Spade and Gilbert Gottfried represent a third type of people — those who are zero-out-of-three — but that is beyond the scope of this taxonomy.)
  • … those who load forks and knives into the dishwasher tray with the sharp ends down, and passive-aggressive wives who ask their husbands to empty the dishwasher.
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Thoughts at Large: Mine (field)
Posted on August 12, 2016 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

• Donald Trump is so outrageous, he makes a number of GOP politicians look reasonable by comparison.  (Senator Susan Collins doesn’t need Donald Trump to look reasonable.) Panicked Republicans, sensing another White House loss, may be more resolved than ever to show up at the polls on election day, hoping to salvage control of Congress and obstruct whatever Hillary Clinton may propose.  This means that Democrats cannot be complacent: Trump is not necessarily going to drag the Republican party down, and so-called “angry” economically-displaced white people are not necessarily going to stay home November 8.

Between now and November, Hillary had better begin to address her negatives and work to win over her doubters.  I have my doubts too, but I know who is better aligned with me.

• It seems that a large subset of my Facebook friends are studiously apolitical on Facebook, but for different reasons.  One of my friends is restrained from doing so by the Hatch Act.  Another says that it is not worthwhile to make political statements on Facebook, because no one is going to change their position as a result.  (As if this is the only reason one might choose to express a political opinion.)  Several others, especially my millenial friends, are taking the “pox on both your houses” stance — we trust no one, we advocate nothing.

It is not my priority to preserve Facebook peace-and-harmony.  And though I have my misgivings, I do not subscribe to the one-size-fits-nobody theory of politics.  I believe that votes matter, especially and most vitally when it comes to who will be appointing our next Supreme Court justices.  May I remind you that we have our Supreme Court to thank for the survival of ObamaCare, nationwide recognition of same-sex marriages, and (sigh) the equivalence of corporate money and political speech.

Positions do matter, dammit.  I cannot stop and make calculations as to whether it is worth expressing mine.  My friends will understand.

• One last thought.  Trump thinks the only way he will lose the election is if people cheat.  “You don’t have to have voter ID to now go in and vote, and it’s a little bit scary, and I’ve heard a lot of bad things. I mean, people are going to walk in, they are going to vote 10 times maybe.”  Has Trump never been in a polling place?  He knows his claim isn’t true, but once again he is willing to say anything to stoke people’s resentments.  I am tired of this man insulting our intelligence.

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Your Patient Needs Your Feedback!
Posted on August 7, 2016 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

Image of Collins Centre Logo

THE COLLINS CENTRE for YOUR IOO BILLIONTH PATIENT

“Where My Grateful Compliance is Your Number One Concern”

Dear Dr. Leonard Hatfield McCoy, M.D.:

You recently saw Craig H. Collins at a health care facility of your choice on a date that was convenient for you.  Our office has determined that you have not yet answered the survey that we sent to you after the visit.  It is very important that you answer this survey so that your patient, Craig H. Collins, can work to improve your health care delivery experience.

So please take a moment from your demanding workday to answer a short set of questions to the best of your recollection.  Please be assured (see disclosure below) that all provisions of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) have been waived by your patient in consideration of your gracious feedback.

__________

Patient Appearance and Demeanor

(A)  Was I, the patient, appropriately dressed for our visit?

(1) Cutoffs/Jeans  


(2) Golf wear   


(3) Exam gown  


(4) Smart exam gown

(B)  Was I, the patient, pleasant and deferential when you walked into the room?

(1) Deferential enough, I suppose   


(2) I really didn't pay attention

(C)  Was I, the patient, dirty or smelly?

(1) Dirty   


(2) Smelly  


(3) Both  


(4) Didn't get close enough to tell

Patient Respect

(D)  Did I, the patient, keep you waiting for our appointment?

(1) Get real    


(2) What, me wait?   


(3) Now that you mention it, yes

(E)  Was I, the patient, responsive to your requests in terms of how I inhaled, coughed, extended my tongue and submitted to intrusive manual examination?

(1) Whined a little   


(2) Complained a lot   


(3) Real pain in the ass

The next two questions apply both to the patient and those who accompanied him/her in the exam room.

(F)  Did the patient or his/her family ask too many unintelligent questions?

(1) One   


(2) Too many    


(3) What other kind of questions are there?

(G)  Did the patient or his/her family ask a question that gave you an opportunity to display your knowledge and make you look good?

(1) Yes   


(2) Question was too complicated,
    so I gave them a pamphlet

Patient Performance

(H)  Did I, the patient, take the medicines and nutritional supplements you prescribed, and follow your advice with respect to diet and exercise?

(1) If so, you would be the first patient who did.   


(2) As I said.

(I)  Did I, the patient, ask you to prescribe an antibiotic for my viral infection?

(1) Of course you did.  Of course I did.    


(2) See you in two weeks.

(J)  Did I, the patient, ask you whether a drug I saw on a television commerical on the evening news is “right for me?”

(1) You asked about a drug made by Bristol-Meyer Squibb.
    Just had lunch with their rep.
    I told you it's right for you.



(2) You asked about a drug made by Pfizer.
    I have a research grant from them.
    I told you it's right for you.



(3) You asked about medical marijuana.
    I have no interest in that.
    I told you to move to Colorado.

(K) Did I, the patient, pay my bill in full and on time?

(1) Ask my office manager  


(2) Who cares, as long as you don't sue me

__________

Thank you, Dr. Leonard Hatfield McCoy, M.D. for your feedback.  The Collins Centre for Your 100 Billionth Patient is dedicated to helping your patient be more responsive to your style of practice, so that your next clinical encounter will be shorter and more rewarding.  We are grateful for this opportunity to improve your patient’s behavior and compliance and, secondarily, to increase his/her chances of receiving adequate medical care.

In consideration of your time and effort, you are welcome to visit any of the golf resorts featured in the enclosed brochure and enjoy a three-day outing with your colleagues, compliments of the insurance provider of your appreciative patient.  Again, our thanks.

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