THE COLLINS CENTRE for YOUR IOO BILLIONTH PATIENT

“Where My Grateful Compliance is Your Number One Concern”

Dear Dr. Leonard Hatfield McCoy, M.D.:

You recently saw Craig H. Collins at a health care facility of your choice on a date that was convenient for you.  Our office has determined that you have not yet answered the survey that we sent to you after the visit.  It is very important that you answer this survey so that your patient, Craig H. Collins, can work to improve your health care delivery experience.

So please take a moment from your demanding workday to answer a short set of questions to the best of your recollection.  Please be assured (see disclosure below) that all provisions of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) have been waived by your patient in consideration of your gracious feedback.

__________

Patient Appearance and Demeanor

(A)  Was I, the patient, appropriately dressed for our visit?

(1) Cutoffs/Jeans  
(2) Golf wear   
(3) Exam gown  
(4) Smart exam gown

(B)  Was I, the patient, pleasant and deferential when you walked into the room?

(1) Deferential enough, I suppose   
(2) I really didn't pay attention

(C)  Was I, the patient, dirty or smelly?

(1) Dirty   
(2) Smelly  
(3) Both  
(4) Didn't get close enough to tell

Patient Respect

(D)  Did I, the patient, keep you waiting for our appointment?

(1) Get real    
(2) What, me wait?   
(3) Now that you mention it, yes

(E)  Was I, the patient, responsive to your requests in terms of how I inhaled, coughed, extended my tongue and submitted to intrusive manual examination?

(1) Whined a little   
(2) Complained a lot   
(3) Real pain in the ass

The next two questions apply both to the patient and those who accompanied him/her in the exam room.

(F)  Did the patient or his/her family ask too many unintelligent questions?

(1) One   
(2) Too many    
(3) What other kind of questions are there?

(G)  Did the patient or his/her family ask a question that gave you an opportunity to display your knowledge and make you look good?

(1) Yes   
(2) Question was too complicated,
    so I gave them a pamphlet

Patient Performance

(H)  Did I, the patient, take the medicines and nutritional supplements you prescribed, and follow your advice with respect to diet and exercise?

(1) If so, you would be the first patient who did.   
(2) As I said.

(I)  Did I, the patient, ask you to prescribe an antibiotic for my viral infection?

(1) Of course you did.  Of course I did.    
(2) See you in two weeks.

(J)  Did I, the patient, ask you whether a drug I saw on a television commerical on the evening news is “right for me?”

(1) You asked about a drug made by Bristol-Meyer Squibb.
    Just had lunch with their rep.
    I told you it's right for you.

(2) You asked about a drug made by Pfizer.
    I have a research grant from them.
    I told you it's right for you.

(3) You asked about medical marijuana.
    I have no interest in that.
    I told you to move to Colorado.

(K) Did I, the patient, pay my bill in full and on time?

(1) Ask my office manager  
(2) Who cares, as long as you don't sue me

__________

Thank you, Dr. Leonard Hatfield McCoy, M.D. for your feedback.  The Collins Centre for Your 100 Billionth Patient is dedicated to helping your patient be more responsive to your style of practice, so that your next clinical encounter will be shorter and more rewarding.  We are grateful for this opportunity to improve your patient’s behavior and compliance and, secondarily, to increase his/her chances of receiving adequate medical care.

In consideration of your time and effort, you are welcome to visit any of the golf resorts featured in the enclosed brochure and enjoy a three-day outing with your colleagues, compliments of the insurance provider of your appreciative patient.  Again, our thanks.