After careful deliberation, I also have decided not to run for re-election to the House of Representatives in 2014.  I know, I know, I am not now a Representative — but I only follow in the footsteps of Michele Bachmann, who is also not very Representative.

My decision not to run has nothing to do with my prospects for being elected, which are so miniscule as to call to mind the Planck Length.  (For those of you not versed in physics, the Planck Length is the smallest possible distance between any two points in our universe.)

Physicists rarely get elected to public office.  Officials like Ms. Bachmann make a point of the fact that they don’t believe in physics and, without flinching, make statements that turn logic upside down.  This is why I cannot run for office in 2014.  Like Ms. Bachmann, I have more logical things to do, things that are more lucrative than anything anyone could possibly elect me to do.  Michele and I are ready to ring-ding-ding that cash register of fame.

Someone, anyone, call Fox News and tell them I’m available.  Sarah Palin had her chance, now it’s my turn to make a few right-wing bucks.  Don’t worry, I can dumb it down.  Planck Length?  Oh, it’s about eight feet, blindfolded.  With a parrot on your shoulder.  And Barack Obama is forcing us to walk this plank, at swordpoint, to buy health insurance and submit to life-threatening vaccines.  Is this insanity or what?  Am I hired?