I regret to tell my readers that I will not be able to play in the U.S. Open golf tournament this year, mostly because I suck.  If I attempted to play in this year’s tournament, I would risk further injury to my pride, and tournament officials would escort me from the course. Also, given the condition of my swing, I would probably lose at least three dozen golf balls (and that adds up, even when you buy them at Wal-Mart).

Like millions of others, I will have to be content to watch the Open on television this year.  I will resume my pursuit of Jack Nicklaus’s record if I ever improve, which is unlikely.