User Agreement

By continuing to read this blog, YOU (THE USER) agree to the following:

1) This is just about the best damn blog you’ve ever read.  In fact, if we call you in the middle of the night and ask you, what is the best damn blog you’ve ever read, you will think of this one before you hang up.

2) You agree not to carry concealed weapons while reading this blog, even if they are legal in the backwater state in which you live.

3) You agree not to make comparisons between this blog and, say, The Huffington Post.  Really, I mean they have billions at their disposal.  All I have is a disposal, and it’s noisy.

4) Readers of The 100 Billionth Person agree to read between the lines, since the author is notorious for not quite saying what he is not quite convinced of saying, lest he be accused of taking a stance and then being put in the position of having to defend the same.

5) You agree not to be pedantic and quibble over word choices made by the author, nor to question the use of split infinitives or sentences that end in prepositions such as of.

6) You agree that homemade potato salad is only slightly better than store-bought.  There are only so many permutations of potatoes, mayonnaise and paprika.

7) You agree not to sue me if you don’t like something.  You agree not to steal the idea from me if you do like something.  You agree not to ask me to be your Facebook friend if we like the same bluish-green color that isn’t really teal.

8) You agree that my voice, though you may never have heard it, is decidedly less nasal than those of NPR icons Ira Glass, Peter Sagal, Michael Feldman and Ira Flatow.

9) Finally, you agree not to hack into my website, steal all the information it contains, fly to Hong Kong, stop shaving, have a few martinis, fly to Moscow, plunder the duty-free shops and then ask for asylum.  Violate this agreement and I’m coming to get you, comrade.

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3 Responses to User Agreement

  1. Rob says:

    Excellent.

  2. Pete says:

    2) All 50 States allow concealed carry, so the entire US is “backwater” now?

    8) Your blog reads well when imagined narrated by either a) Morgan Freeman or b) Sir David Attenborough.

    • Craig says:

      OK, Pete, you got me. I used artistic license and simply referred to “concealed carry” because it made for a sharper observation. I should have made it clear that I was thinking of those fans who read the blog while they are in airports or in national parks, fingering their triggers all the while.

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