SOMEWHERE IN SWITZERLAND, Switzerland, Europe, Planet Earth (AP):
Scientists at the Von Trapp Particle Accelerator in Switzerland, a furtive midnight hike across the German border and just out of reach of the Gestapo, today announced that they have found the so-called “God Particle” responsible for giving other particles their masses.
“Just like you and me, particles traveling through the universe stop at McDonald’s and get a large order of fries. This puts on pounds, even if you travel at the speed of light,” so said physicist Dr. Stacey Wooleyfluff of the University of South Entwistle. “So we have found, in effect, the recipe for the special sauce on the cosmic Big Mass.”
As physicists like to do, Wooleyfluff proceeded to relate a lame example that would help laymen grasp this otherwise incomprehensible phenomenon: “Let’s say that a particle is like the video game character Pac-Man gobbling up energy dots. Except that in real life, Pac-Man becomes bigger and heavier every time it eats a dot. And now imagine that the bloated, obese Pac-Man gets a little drunk and starts crashing into the walls of the maze.” At this point, the obviously disoriented Dr. Wooleyfluff needed to be helped into a chair.
Physicists like to say it is important to determine the origin of mass, as this will either verify or disprove the Standard Model of Physics (see model at right). If the Standard Model is correct, then humanity will live in harmony for the rest of our lives. If not, then there will be six more weeks of winter.
Particle physicists we interviewed said they would be excited to find the God Particle, since it would help explain so many mysteries, but they would also be excited if they don’t find it, since that would create new mysteries. Unquestionably, such excitement helps ease the pain of dateless Saturday nights for physicists who don’t know a bosom from a boson.