I. TOGETHER OR ALONE

We take our breaths

Together or alone

Just two breaths

betray the difference

 

I step, you step

we practice our sidesteps

to avoid brushing arms

to avert linking eyes

to divert our attractions

 

I speak, you speak

we whisper cheek-to-cheek

you hold harmless myths

I claim to know truths

we agree to not disagree

 

I wish, you wish

we wish upon the clouds

to sweep away the shroud

that hides the last clue

the brass locket of life

 

I fall, you fall

we both reach for a hand

we both hope it is strong

Is the hand really out there

or does our empty grasp

imply the bleak answer

 

I pass, you pass

together or alone

my breath, your breath

exhaling

private untold tales

at very last

 

II. UNCLIMBABLE

Oh!

Staggering rock

Your heaviness weighs on me

Your mountain soul has edges for ledges

Your mean terrain offers no hope of rescue

How did I get stuck here, how did I luck out here?

 

Then! from your grim granite face emerges a bear

Its dull-eyed stupor only heightens my panic

Blank rocks, blank bear, blank fear

My escape paths turn to crusty shale

Advance or retreat, defeat

A step falters…

Oh!

 

III. HÉDIARD, PL. DE LA MADELEINE

The sidewalk storefront of Hediard grocery, Paris, April 1995.
Hediard was in business from 1854 to 2015.

IV. AESOP’S TED TALK

Hello, my hipster listeners!

How best may I address you?

Cunning foxes? Steadfast turtles? Timid mice?

No, among the many creatures whose personae I devised,

I would say you, my TED audience, are… Ants!

 

Yes, industrious, entrepreneurial Ants!

A bit self-righteous, according to fable,

and sometimes sharp of tongue

(we know that Ants have one!)

but otherwise you comprise one of the finer families

of the Animal Kingdom!

 

Now that I have sufficiently flattered you,

stroked your antennae, so to speak,

I was invited here to recite one of my best-known tales…

You’ll like it, as Ants have a prominent role therein.

But mmmm… now that the lights have dimmed,

I believe I see some Grasshoppers amongst you.

Which is fine, there’s a lesson here for everyone.

So let’s jump in, with all sixes!

 

Ants were taught their ways in Ancient times…

to gather the Goods that befell them,

to preserve their gains and consume them judiciously.

Ants were also bestowed with powerful jaws

to give them an edge in Matters of Law!

Thus Ants were granted a smooth climb to the Top!

So it seems to me, your friend, Aesop.

 

Now I myself have had a small taste

of what it is like to be an Ant:

Like most of you attending this talk,

I worked many Summers (when others did not)

to collect enough grain from the rugged terrain

to nearly fill my own cavernous cellars!

Not to share with others but to demonstrate

my stupendous talent to accumulate.

(Oh sure, I ate a few! Wouldn’t you?)

 

One day, a Grasshopper showed up at my door.

I originally wrote, Lazy Grasshopper, but!

Blanket statements about personal industry

would not endear me to this diverse audience.

Your friend Aesop considers himself lucky

that TED would even allow a worn-out fabulist like me

to address you, illustrious Ants!

…and assorted Grasshoppers.

That said, let’s return to the tale,

as I’m running short of both time and esteem!

 

As I was about to say…

One day a Grasshopper came to my door.

(Not visibly lazy – more forlorn.)

The Grasshopper had spent all her Summer singing

but, though her legs were long, nimble and bare,

she was not the Taylor Swift of the Grasshopper clan

and by Fall she was hungry and near penniless.

 

Ms. Grasshopper had heard of my ancient fame

and the modest wealth that I had attained

so hence she hopped, to find your friend, Aesop,

and possibly get some advice

if not sustenance.

 

While I was pleased to receive a visitor,

especially one so down with my renown,

it was clear that Ms. Grasshopper wanted more

than a tête-à-tête with an old tale-teller.

Nonetheless I invited her to take a seat

Which she took, awkwardly.

 

Ms. Grasshopper didn’t want to sing anymore,

she confessed, her long barbed legs extending

well beyond the modest cushions of my banquette,

ready to jump, it seemed, at any sign of threat.

Her day-to-day struggle, she struggled to say,

was finding a way to be both Grasshopper and Ant

– performing and thriving –

when traditionalists like me stood in her way,

having insisted one can’t.

 

What is so sinful about music and dance

being one’s great purpose in life! she cried.

If I were, say, in the ballet,

You would be not so dismissive! she ventured.

Ants would have pleasure and I would be treasured!

 

Hmmm! I said aloud, as I considered how she

might have soared gracefully in venues

like the one in which I now address you!

Were her ambitions all that different from mine?

My lectern more hallow than her chorus line?

 

It was time for Aesop to resolve this dilemma…

Should I do what The Ant did so long ago:

Insult the poor Grasshopper and tell her to go!

Or should I act in a more enlightened way

more befitting how things are done today

and set aside my time-honored Moral?

 

Suprisingly, it turned out to be

Ms. Grasshopper who enlightened me.

She would share not just my dinner

but, as it turned out, her whole life with me!

She is in the audience now, in fact,

and I would point her out, but if I did

my own eminence would surely be eclipsed,

which your vain friend Aesop could not endure,

a traditionalist to the bone in that respect.

 

So the moral of this story, dear Ants,

is that it takes a hard shell

to protect you from Love.

Thank you for listening, TED friends.

Good night, and rhyme well.

 

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The Journal of Recreational Mathematics, which I’ve mentioned a number of times here, ceased publication in 2014.  Sadly, nothing has risen to replace it.  As a number enthusiast myself, I was lucky to have Martin Gardner introduce me to the Journal and then to have had a few articles published therein.  I miss the puzzles that were posed in the Journal along with the people who posed them.

To fill the void, I present a puzzle of my own devise.  Question One: What letter belongs in the center square?  Question Two:  What is X and why?  (If you can answer Question One, Question Two is easy.)

Apologies to those who were hoping for something like Wordle.

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• What should one do when the housefly one has been chasing for hours is found resting on the business end of the fly-swatter?

• Let’s all finally admit that when we decide to make scrambled eggs, we really don’t have high expectations how they turn out.  Sorta fluffy is okay.  So is sorta moist, where you press down on them and some liquid oozes out.  The happy place for scrambled eggs is in the middle, but with an wide margin of error.  The key is having them go straight from the pan to the plate and then into your mouth.

• Speaking of scrambled eggs, I am always amazed by the number of hotel reviewers who down-rate a hotel based on the perceived quality (or absence) of the free breakfast.  As if make-your-own pancakes, toast-your-own tasteless bagels, and steamed turkey sausages count as amenities.  Do y’all lift your pinky as you dispense the OJ into your Dixie cup?

• Here’s a challenge for you.  When was the last time anyone told you a joke?  I don’t mean a crack by a late-night comedian but the kind of joke that used to pass from one person to another, before the internet made that kind of thing passé.  My spouse and I still recall the one her mother liked to tell about the grocery shopper looking for broccoli, which gave her an excuse to use the f-word — because hey, it’s a joke!  Naughty jokes were social currency back then.

• The correct number of black olives to add to a tossed salad is (a) 2, (b) 3, (c) 4.

• The correct number of baked croutons to add to a tossed salad is (a) 3, (b) 5, (c) 7.

•  I bet most of us amateur chefs think we know the “right” answers to the above questions. I say definitely (b) and (c) unless the croutons are those “Texas-style” ice-cube-sized ones, in which case don’t bother to add them at all.

• Most video games and role-playing games award a player multiple “lives” in case you do something wrong (or haven’t gained enough knowledge) and you need a do-over to survive the current encounter.  Life, or more precisely the prospect of losing it, is the best teacher.  So it’s a shame, how in real life, we only get one of them.

• But wait — aren’t most religions designed to award extra lives, to keep us in the game?

• Something inspired me this evening to check in on the archives of my college newspaper, the Carnegie-Mellon Tartan, for which I was a columnist, cartoonist and features editor.  Re-reading just a couple of my articles from those days, I was struck by how unbelievably bad they were, smug and cynical and full of authority I didn’t merit, albeit dressed up in clever phrasings.  It made me wonder how this blog will look to me when I am 120.

• Speaking of prunes, Henry Kissinger, NSA chief and Secretary of State for Richard Nixon from 1969-1974, celebrated his 100th birthday a few weeks ago.  Sadly, 58,22o U.S. troops who served in Vietnam will not match Henry’s milestone.

Kissinger was awarded a Nobel Peace Prize in 1973 for his purported efforts to keep more young people from dying in that ill-fated war.  Many recall those efforts differently, but the truth of the matter has been obscured by time.

I did not serve in the military — as I find myself saying every time I buy something at Lowes.  The only reason I am writing this piece and you are reading it is because how a basket of numbered capsules happened to tumble on February 2, 1972.  That was the day my 1973 lottery number, #244, was drawn and I was off the hook from serving and dying in Vietnam.

Lottery Number #001 went to those born on March 6, 1953.  I could easily have been born one week earlier on March 6.  But I wasn’t and that is half the reason I’m here today.

The highest lottery number called up in 1973 was #010, or those born on August 23, 1953.  The last U.S. military draftee, Dwight Eliot Stone of Sacramento, California, was inducted into the Army 50 years ago on June 30, 1973.  He was not called to serve in Vietnam.

Immediately after my lottery number was announced, my not-even-19-year-old self wrote and recorded in my dorm room a multi-track song of celebration called No Army for Me.  It was probably my most highly-produced recording, replete with jet-engine sound effects inspired by the 1968 song Sky Pilot.  The essence of the song was that my life would go on, unscathed by mortar rounds, my limbs intact.

“Hell no, I won’t go!  /  I don’t have to, you know!” was one of the lyrics, referencing the anti-draft protests of that era and how they had become moot.  I was nineteen.  And now here I am apologizing for having been inappropriately happy that I wasn’t cannon-fodder.

The survival guilt of solders who see their peers killed in battle is well-documented.  But I haven’t read anything about lottery guilt — how some people were forced to fight for their lives while others born a week later could watch the war on TV.  Or write songs about it.

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