Your Patient Needs Your Feedback!
Posted on August 7, 2016 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

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THE COLLINS CENTRE for YOUR IOO BILLIONTH PATIENT

“Where My Grateful Compliance is Your Number One Concern”

Dear Dr. Leonard Hatfield McCoy, M.D.:

You recently saw Craig H. Collins at a health care facility of your choice on a date that was convenient for you.  Our office has determined that you have not yet answered the survey that we sent to you after the visit.  It is very important that you answer this survey so that your patient, Craig H. Collins, can work to improve your health care delivery experience.

So please take a moment from your demanding workday to answer a short set of questions to the best of your recollection.  Please be assured (see disclosure below) that all provisions of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) have been waived by your patient in consideration of your gracious feedback.

__________

Patient Appearance and Demeanor

(A)  Was I, the patient, appropriately dressed for our visit?

(1) Cutoffs/Jeans  


(2) Golf wear   


(3) Exam gown  


(4) Smart exam gown

(B)  Was I, the patient, pleasant and deferential when you walked into the room?

(1) Deferential enough, I suppose   


(2) I really didn't pay attention

(C)  Was I, the patient, dirty or smelly?

(1) Dirty   


(2) Smelly  


(3) Both  


(4) Didn't get close enough to tell

Patient Respect

(D)  Did I, the patient, keep you waiting for our appointment?

(1) Get real    


(2) What, me wait?   


(3) Now that you mention it, yes

(E)  Was I, the patient, responsive to your requests in terms of how I inhaled, coughed, extended my tongue and submitted to intrusive manual examination?

(1) Whined a little   


(2) Complained a lot   


(3) Real pain in the ass

The next two questions apply both to the patient and those who accompanied him/her in the exam room.

(F)  Did the patient or his/her family ask too many unintelligent questions?

(1) One   


(2) Too many    


(3) What other kind of questions are there?

(G)  Did the patient or his/her family ask a question that gave you an opportunity to display your knowledge and make you look good?

(1) Yes   


(2) Question was too complicated,
    so I gave them a pamphlet

Patient Performance

(H)  Did I, the patient, take the medicines and nutritional supplements you prescribed, and follow your advice with respect to diet and exercise?

(1) If so, you would be the first patient who did.   


(2) As I said.

(I)  Did I, the patient, ask you to prescribe an antibiotic for my viral infection?

(1) Of course you did.  Of course I did.    


(2) See you in two weeks.

(J)  Did I, the patient, ask you whether a drug I saw on a television commerical on the evening news is “right for me?”

(1) You asked about a drug made by Bristol-Meyer Squibb.
    Just had lunch with their rep.
    I told you it's right for you.



(2) You asked about a drug made by Pfizer.
    I have a research grant from them.
    I told you it's right for you.



(3) You asked about medical marijuana.
    I have no interest in that.
    I told you to move to Colorado.

(K) Did I, the patient, pay my bill in full and on time?

(1) Ask my office manager  


(2) Who cares, as long as you don't sue me

__________

Thank you, Dr. Leonard Hatfield McCoy, M.D. for your feedback.  The Collins Centre for Your 100 Billionth Patient is dedicated to helping your patient be more responsive to your style of practice, so that your next clinical encounter will be shorter and more rewarding.  We are grateful for this opportunity to improve your patient’s behavior and compliance and, secondarily, to increase his/her chances of receiving adequate medical care.

In consideration of your time and effort, you are welcome to visit any of the golf resorts featured in the enclosed brochure and enjoy a three-day outing with your colleagues, compliments of the insurance provider of your appreciative patient.  Again, our thanks.

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Out the Window
Posted on August 5, 2016 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

Photograph: 20th Century Window by CHCollinsWell, that was quick.  One week ago, I downloaded Windows 10 for my Lenovo Yoga 2 Pro laptop (late 2013 vintage) as a purported “upgrade” for my schizophrenic but functional Windows 8.1.  As of today, I have booted Windows 10 out the window and returned to 8.1.  Thank you, Microsoft, for giving me a thirty-day grace period to get out.  But that is all the appreciation I can muster for you.

Many people have encountered serious problems switching to Windows 10; others have had no issues.  In my case, the problem was the laptop display flashing or blanking out.  Other Yoga 2 Pro users had this same problem — the cause seems to be a “panel refresh” option in the display driver.  To get rid of the problem, you can roll back the display driver to a previous version and turn off panel refresh.  But this fix lasts only until Windows 10 scans your drivers, detects that your driver is out-of-date, and reinstalls newer drivers (without giving you a choice), which reintroduces the display problem.

I am not going to spend hours fighting Windows 10.  You win, Microsoft.  I retreat.

We have two laptops in our family.  Both had Windows 8.1 and I chose to upgrade both of them to Windows 10.  And both of our laptops had problems.  Although I decided to throw in the towel on mine, I was able to fix the touchpad functionality on my wife’s Asus laptop by installing a program called “Smart Gesture.”  Again, the only reason I knew about this is because other Asus owners had the same issue.

Microsoft, do me a favor: if you intend to uninstall Smart Gesture from my wife’s laptop, please tell Windows to do so in the next 23 days, so I can throw her copy of Windows 10 out the same window I threw mine.

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Tots at Lodge
Posted on August 3, 2016 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

• If Donald Trump is the “national embarassment” that GOP Congressman Richard Hanna says he is, then so must be the 36% of registered voters who are solidly behind Trump, none of whom read this blog.  Most of my relatives don’t read it either, which is an even worse embarassment.

Tweesting on Twister• I went on Twister the other day and tweeted for the first time.  At first, I felt really stupid getting down on my hands and knees, but then I started to enjoy making cuckoo sounds and taking up contorted positions.  Now I understand why Donald Trump goes on Twister — he likes to do the very same thing.

Stylized Photo of Mr. Leonard Cohen• Leonard Cohen, composer and performer of songs such as So Long Marianne, Suzanne, Hallelujah and The Future, will soon turn 82.  I never saw him perform live (other than live on video) but wish I had… though I could say that about hundreds of performers.

Former co-workers, with whom I played poker once a month way back when, mocked me for having the temerity to play a Leonard Cohen album one night.  They would remind me of my affront to their sensibilities on many poker nights afterwards, but I went on playing.  (Leonard, however, would not be played again).  To quote Cohen from Beautiful Losers, “My interest in this pack of failures betrays my character.”

• What?  Oh it’s Twitter, not Twister.  That’s different.  Never mind.  Love, Emily Litella.

• I am pleased to have a new friend, Enrique, whom I have not met in person but hope to one day.  I encourage you to introduce yourself to Enrique, via his diverse and eclectic blog Prior Probability or his personal, revealing bio, “The Evolution of a Latino Law Professor.”  It is so nice and unexpected to encounter kindred spirits at my age.

• The “fresh” fruit sold in Asheville supermarkets sucks.   Yes, I know, we live in the hills, not the citrus belt.  Still, the produce in upstate New York supermarkets was much fresher than what is available here.  Take plums, for example.  Image of One Whole Plum, One SlicedHere, even when you buy them in the middle of summer, our plums are hard, reddish-black orbs that must be allowed to “rest” in a fruit bowl for three days.  But even after that, the outsides have become mushy, the insides mealy, and the juiciness, to put it tactfully, compromised.

I love fruit, but I think seasonal fruit was better in the 1960s.  It may have been available only a few weeks a year, but those weeks were memorable and juicy.

• Seems that I’ve fallen out of the photography habit over the last few years.  I no longer feel compelled to record every scene of natural beauty/graceful decay or every intriguing composition that is presented to me.  More often, it seems, the eyes suffice.

An Expensive Jar of Stuff• Do you know what extra-virgin coconut oil is good for?  It’s good mostly for lining the pockets of people who sell coconut oil.  Coconut oil is a commodity that costs 75 cents a pound in bulk but goes for ten times that much when it is sold in a jar with a colorful label at the local Walmart. The designation extra-virgin means nothing, by the way, but doesn’t it sound impressive?

• To my dismay, almost every time my wife and I spend an evening with another couple, the conversation will devolve into separate man-to-man and woman-to-woman threads, no matter what effort I make to promote or restore groupwise discussion.  I like listening and talking to women as much as men — why do I get pigeonholed?

• What?  Oh it’s Thoughts at Large, not Tots at Lodge.  That’s very different.  Never mind. Love, Emily Litella.

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