Category Archives: Humour

Another Charley Christmas
Posted on December 24, 2013 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

Hey, this is Charley again.  Maybe you remember me.  The de-ranged cattle baron that runs this blog sometimes asks me to take over during the holidays.  “Have fun,” he says.  Awesome, man.  It’s as much fun as building a mud fence, sitting in this cubicle trying to come up with Christmas-time entertainment for the three or four coffee-boilers who read this blog.  Sorry if my enthusiasm is making your acid reflux flare up.  Eat a peach.

So here we go.  I thought I would share some of the Christmas songs I sing on the range as I wait for an increase in the cowboy minimum wage.  I call them I Don’t Carols.

Silver Hell

Silver Bells, Silver Bells
It’s Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring.
Soon they will be drowned out by street preachers with bullhorns.

Jingle Hell

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is
No, it’s not, it’s really cold out and it sucks.
Hey hey hey hey hey.

Rudolph the Brown-Nose Reindeer

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say:
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
Then how the reindeer stomped their hooves and shouted, “Santa’s favorite, eh?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer wouldn’t live to see another day.

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the Snowman was a hoppy amped-up soul
With an old crack pipe, a stuffy nose and two lines made out of blow
Down to the village, with some crystal in his hands
Running here and there, all around the square,
Saying, “Man, these bugs are crawling all over me!”

Little Gunner Boy

Hear my guns speak loud
Rat-tat-a-tat-tat
Second Amendment proud
Rat-tat-a-tat-tat
My guns defend this land
Rat-tat-a-tat-tat
Not from my cold, dead hand
Rat-tat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-tat-tat
Tat-a-tat-tat

Now your Christmas can be just like mine.  Until next time – Charley

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Archaeology News: “Missing Link” Discovered
Posted on October 31, 2013 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

Missing Link in Human Evolution DiscoveredERBIL PROVINCE, KURDISTAN (Oct. 31) — Renowned archaeologist R. Daneel Olivaw  announced today that his team discovered a fossil that represents the “missing link” in human evolution.  The team has named this being “Scary Man” and they position it in the evolutionary tree somewhere between algae and Sarah Palin.  Like Ms. Palin, the fossil was remarkably well-preserved for its age.  The dig team calls this particular specimen “Jack” because its odd grin reminds them of Jack “Doctor Death” Kevorkian.

We wish to thank the Smithsonian Institution of Washington, D.C., now back in business after the government shutdown, for providing this artist rendition of what “Scary Man” may have looked like when he roamed the earth:

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116-Year-Old Jones Has Orgasm
Posted on March 8, 2013 by CHC   ᐃ ᐁ

As the panting and sweaty reporters on the cable business channel CNBC reported today, the Dow Jones Industrial Index has reached a new peak of ecstasy, one that it has never felt in its 116-year lifetime.  Stimulated by swelling prices of stocks such as Cisco Systems  (up 2.19%) and Boeing (up 2.06%), Jones ascended to a shuddering high of 14286.37 at 11:16 am, and was able to achieve a second, albeit slightly less intense, peak of 14285.16 only 2 hours later at 1:36 pm, before sighing and falling back to close the hot-and-heavy hours-long session at a level of 14253.77.

Wall Street traders watched Jones’ crescendo with voyeuristic pleasure.  As the decisive moment neared, the floor of the New York Stock Exchange filled with frenzied shouts of “My shares are going higher!  Higher!” and “Oh God! Buy now! Buy now!”  After the peak was reached, smokers poured onto the sidewalk to have a satisfied puff and bask in the glow.

Here are some reactions from other sources:

Jeffrey Kleintop, a market strategist at LPL Financial, suggested to Bloomberg News that “a big part of the rally to all-time highs has been powered by the Fed’s very aggressive stimulus.”  David Herman of The Globe and Mail added, “It worked, but what happens when the Fed withdraws the stimulus?”

The New York Times reported that Richard Bernstein, CEO of money management firm Richard Bernstein Advisors, is confused about why more investors are not buying stocks. “I just don’t understand why people don’t want to play,” he said.

MarketWatch.com published an article titled, “Dow’s Back on Top — But Are You?”

HeraldExtra.com published an article titled, “Dow Surges to Record … and Keeps Going”

Finally, according to Forbes.com, “Seth Setrakian, co-head of … equity trading at First New York Securities, thinks a reversal is coming in the short-term.  The rally is ‘getting tired,’ he says, and he’s positioned accordingly.”

Some say that the index is not the best way to measure the stock market’s ups and downs.  We remind them that there are four other fingers one may employ in the endeavor.

[Correction:  In an earlier version of this story, we stated that we overheard a stock trader whispering to a hedge fund manager, “I like your stocks.  Are you long?”  In stock-market parlance, “being long” means to hold stocks as a long-term investment.  When the couple returned to the floor of the exchange after lunch, we learned that the trader had not in fact said the word “stock” but another similar word.  We apologize for the error.]

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