Every year at this time, conservative television pundits air their complaints about The War on Christmas. They insist that Christmas has been stripped of its true meaning, which for them means shopping for gifts for their family and friends and then hearing a cashier say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays” after ringing up the sale.
In this case I agree: there is persecution in our shopping malls. It is not right that we single out Christians to suffer this crass, seasonal commercialization of their beliefs. Instead, let’s be fair: if we are going to cash in on one belief system, we should expose them all to the withering wind of winter merchandising.
It is in that spirit (!) that I offer The 100 Billionth Pan-Theistic Holiday Catalog. It is the Sharper Image of Spiritualism, the Brookstone of Belief, the Frontgate of Faith, all rolled into one last desperate grasp for your year-end shopping dollar. Happy gifting!
• • •
|
JELLO SHOT MENORAH Celebrate the long nights of Hanukkah in the spirit of your ancestors with this colorful Jello Shot Menorah! One shot the first night, two shots the next… by the eighth night, you will be lit up like a rabbi’s menorah! Will your bottle of vodka last all eight nights? This fun glass-and-brass set may have the answer… if you don’t get shamashed first! |
 |
 |
BUDDHA HOLIDAY SONGBOOK All your favorite carols about The Enlightened One are in The Eight Days of Buddha Songbook, including the beloved mantra… “On the Eighth Day of Buddha, meditation revealed to me: the eight-fold path, seven factors of enlightenment, six paths of rebirth, five precepts, four noble truths, three poisons of the wheel of life, two schools of thought, and Buddha sitting by a Bodhi tree!” |
|
“A FRANKLIN KWANZAA” We all watch it on TV every year, but no one ever talks about how there is no “brown” in “A Charlie Brown Christmas.” Good grief, where are all the people of color? Don’t worry, you will find them here in “A Franklin Kwanzaa” which stars Franklin Armstrong, the only black kid in the Peanuts neighborhood. Watch Franklin do his best to put the K back in Kwanzaa, in this 26-minute DVD! |
 |
 |
CLOCK-IN-A-CASE (REPLICA) Based on a design by 14-year-old inventor Ahmed Mohamed, this replica clock-in-a-case not only tells time but mystifies friends, teachers and politicians! Like the original, you can open the case to reveal scary-looking wires! So the next time you visit our nation’s capital, bring your replica clock to the White House fence and see if the Secret Service will take you inside to meet President Obama! |
|
EMPTY BOX OF ZEN The best holiday gift for the Taoist in your life — and perhaps the one in your next life — is the gift of self-discovery and acceptance. As the sages in our marketing department instructed us to say: “This box contains nothing and everything. What is inside the box depends on what is inside you.” Gift wrap not available for this item. |
 |
In what may ultimately be regarded as his greatest act of arrogance, President Obama today announced that he has changed the name of the 25th President of The United States from William McKinley to William Big Mountain Denali.
I was disappointed with the last Republican Debate. The person with the most intelligent answers of all the candidates on stage, Turd Ferguson, was never called. Maybe it was the funny hat.