Yearly Archives: 2026

If I had a dog

I would lead it around

let it dig in the ground

and I’d shoot TikTok videos

of the junk that it found

 

I would record its reaction

to miniscule threats

creepy-crawly insects

and its robust response

to bouncy brunettes

 

And if I was lucky

my dog would find things

on each of its digs

that would make every video

viral-interesting

 

Its leaping and barking

and industrious paws

would prompt TikTok applause

Its dog-brand of dogness

would produce oohs and aahs

 

We know every cute dog

needs a cute name to suit

I’d name my cute dog Pursuit,

the perfect name for a dog

who sniffs out the loot!

 

First thousands, then millions

of my canny canine’s followers

would earn us top internet honors

Or in TikTok-ky terms,

we’d rake in beaucoup ad dollars!

 

But on some grey TikTok day

my dear Pursuit would unearth

not one object of worth…

and the resulting rude comments

would snuff out my dog’s mirth

 

And thus Pursuit’s missions

would come to an end

along with our TikTok dividend

I would grieve for my dog,

man’s most lucrative friend.

 

But it’s not like Pursuit

and his pursuits would just die

He’s easy enough to replace with A.I.

Reality was good while it lasted

but we can TikTok it goodbye.

 

 

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I’ve done lots of things in my seven-plus decades of life that were ill-considered or outright stupid — my 25-year cigarette habit probably foremost among them.  But there are some activities I am NEVER going to do, not even if Jesus himself walked through the wall of my family room and said, “My Son, I know you haven’t gone to church in a while — I do keep tabs — but I have decided that you may engage in any reckless activity you want for one year, without fear of even slightly injuring yourself or others.”

“Why, Jesus, why?” I would implore of him, falling to my knees.  (Ouch.)

“Because I really — VERILY — enjoy reading your blog.  The upcoming adventures that you are sure to share thereupon will please me.”  So sayeth Jesus, who would then exit through the same wall he entered without any trace of wall damage.  That would be a miracle.

In any event, I thought it would be interesting (and pleasing to Jesus) to list a few things that I am NEVER going to do in my remaining months, years or decades, with or without  any free pass from the Man in the Silver Sandals.  So here goes.

•  I’m NEVER going to skydive!  I don’t care if our 41st President G.H.W. Bush did it on his 90th birthday — skydiving calls for too much trust in the person who packs the parachute. So y’all go ahead and splat yourself onto our granite planet like the ripe eggplants we are.  Hope you gain an appreciation for the gravity of the situation on the way down.

•  I’m NEVER going to bungee-jump off a bridge or any other platform!  What are these people thinking?  Is this their way of diagnosing the hiatus hernia in their stomach?  Or more likely, the voids in their skull?

•  I’m NEVER going to snort cocaine!  Again, what are these people thinking?  One of the most disappointing things to learn as a Beatles fan was how each of them abused cocaine and other self-destructive drugs in the ’70s.  The dream was over and they made sure of it.

•  I’m NEVER going to attend a religious revival meeting — or should I say, another one.  There are some things one agrees to do in order to spend more time with your date — but you only have to do them once.  After that, you can say no, and then — mirabile dictu! — she doesn’t want to do them either.

•  I’m NEVER going to visit a Las Vegas casino.  It’s not like I have some anti-gambling fetish:  it would be nice to play some friendly dealer-choice poker with like-minded guys.  But I have this thing about throwing money away for no reason at all.  Just me I guess.

•  I’m NEVER going to have a dog or cat or other furry animal.  Six years ago, my spouse got a canary, maybe the least care-intensive pet besides a goldfish.  I tolerate it (see item above about revival meetings) and I help care for it.  But no way am I ever getting up at 6:15 AM on a cold February morning to escort my so-called pet outside so it can take a dump.  And then for me to bag it up!

•  I’m NEVER going to sit through a State of The Union rant by Donald Trump.  No way am I staying up past 9:00 PM on a cold February evening to watch my so-called president take a dump.  And then for me to bag it up!

•  I’m NEVER going to march in a social justice event.  By the time I was inspired to do so, time passed me by…  Now, the time I may need to spend on my feet trumps my idealism.

•  I’m NEVER going to vote for another Republican. The days of voting for “the best candidate” are long gone. I think the last Republican I voted for was Gerald Ford in 1976. (He lost.)

•  I’m NEVER going to open a TikTok account.  Or a LinkedIn account.  Or an X account.  Or an Instagram account.  I’ll just stay comfortably enslaved to the Big Three: Facebook, Gmail and Amazon.  I’ve made my stand, as it were.

•  I’m NEVER going to get my garage cleaned out to my satisfaction — that would be a miracle.  (Hmmm… are you reading, Jesus?)

•  I’m NEVER going to shoot a gun of any type or description.  But burglars beware, I have a baseball bat in my closet, which I promise to swing with wild abandon if you dare enter.  Which in my opinion is about the only reason one can justify owning a firearm rather than a baseball bat.

•  I’m NEVER going to do everything my doctor tells me to do.  This is because I NEVER tell my doctor everything going on with me.  Do you?

•  I’m NEVER going to eat a burger with a leaf of kale, or anything ever with a leaf of kale.    The interesting thing about kale: if you rearrange the letters KALE, you get EALK, which is the sound one makes when trying to eat kale.

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Other Voices, No. 3

[Editor Note: I am fortunate to have friends who write compelling and entertaining items which they graciously allow me to share with you.  Such is the case again this week, with my friend Rob Simbeck‘s take on his favorite song, Penny Lane.

Given Rob’s extensive musical background, I was surprised he chose this song out of the thousands of our shared history as his favorite.  So I asked him to expound on his choice, which he did.  He didn’t write the following with the idea that I’d ask to publish it, but good writers do what they do.  Enjoy.]

To set the stage, I have always been smitten with the strength of singles of all kinds from 1965-67, with the Beatles, Beach Boys, and Rolling Stones all hitting it out of the park pretty much every time.  Lots more from the Animals, Kinks, Byrds, Hollies

For my money, the Beatles’ Penny Lane has all the elements: sophistication, along the lines of  Eleanor Rigby or Good Vibrations (my #2 of the decade); great orchestration (again like those two songs); wonderful melody; and a brightness and poppiness that make it feel like a quintessentially ‘60s experience.

Yes, Penny Lane is a pop story song, but it transcends that.  It’s got a descending bass line a la the Kinks’ Sunny Afternoon, but whereas that goes where you expect it, the B-minor chord on the word “know” in the first verse of Penny Lane throws a grenade into the progression in the coolest, most artistic way:

It makes it dark, or as dark as McCartney got.  It makes the listener pause on this jaunty sunlit ride and experience a bit of rain, a tension that holds us for a second — and even though the lyrics are still jaunty (“the people that come and go / stop and say hello”), we remain in a holding pattern until the music catches up and gets jaunty again, with “On the corner…”

Light and dark again with the banker, and this time we do get rain, with the lyric on the darker pause.  But this time the release is to the chorus, which is in a brand new key, with a melody jump that makes it feel higher, brighter, joyful…

…with great harmonies through to “in summer,” which leads us to “meanwhile back” which takes us to the verse again.  It just feels like a magical journey all the way, with hidden doors and magic portals.  This time, the nurse whose life is a play anyway, meets the darker chords…

…and in the last verse it’s fire and rain.

Penny Lane is a story but it’s surrealistic, bringing in different scenes, different weather.  It feels music-hall meets psychedelic to me, tying them together, and it just jumps out of the speakers.  The bass line is smooth and complex and almost circusy.  And the piccolo trumpet solo is British and Baroque and wonderful.  And there’s yet another key change toward the end to freshen it up once again.

To me it just synthesizes everything The Beatles did well, everything the ’60s did well, and makes it a fun and palatable and engaging journey.

• • • 

As for others, yes, Eleanor Rigby is brilliant and has a lot of those good elements, but it’s really only two chords.  John did all his most brilliant stuff during this period, and All You Need Is Love may have a claim to being more iconically ’60s — and I love the way it plays with the time signatures — but it doesn’t jump out of the speakers quite like Penny Lane. And Hey Jude was a bigger hit, but it’s not the adventure this is.  It’s more an anthem.

Except for A Day In The Life, I didn’t think the rest of “Sgt. Pepper” continued the upward progression that had led to “Revolver” as their best album.  I didn’t buy “Sgt. Pepper” or anything after that, until I bought everything, probably in my 30s.

Thus endeth my analysis.

[The Beatles single Penny Lane/Strawberry Fields Forever was released February 13, 1967 — 59 years ago today.  Very strange.]

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