[Note: I originally posted this in early 2013, but it remains one of my spouse’s favorites, so who am I to judge, as the recently-departed Francis said. Unlike the Catholic Church, I promise not to make a habit (ha-ha) of recycling my old material.]
This announcement may come as a surprise, or it may come as a thief in the night, but either way, I also have decided to step down as Pope. I bet you didn’t know there was an Atheist Pope. Well, now you do. The only difference is, we call ours The Nope.
I was elected The Nope seven years ago by some cardinals that landed on our bird feeder. They thought it was a miracle how this wooden box with a perch was always full of seed, enough to feed every bird for miles around, day after day. So the cardinals met in secret and decided that I should keep feeding them, forever. They let the rest of the bird world know their decision by leaving some white drops on my chimney.
I made the most of my tenure as The Nope. I enjoyed the company of presidents and kings, and when I no longer enjoyed their company, I would just ask my wife to turn off the news. That’s right, I have a wife. You are allowed to have one when you are the Atheist Pope. I think you are allowed to have three if you are the Mormon Pope, but I am not infallible on that.
I am stepping down as The Nope to spend more time with family and maybe travel a little. I’d like to see Rome, for example, without being perched up on this balcony. I keep saying, perches are for cardinals. Anyway, arrivederci, everyone. And so long to the bubble car! I want one of those new Corvettes. In red, of course.
