Your next Supreme Court Justice

Mr. President, I just heard there is an opening on the U.S. Supreme Court.  I have a great idea.  Why not save yourself a lot of trouble and just nominate me?  I would be an excellent pick, for a variety of reasons:

• First, I look good in black.

• I have a lot of opinions.  That’s important.

• I have no record of legal decisions that can be used against me in a confirmation fight.

• That speeding ticket I got on the Washington, D.C. beltway?  Come on, that was almost twenty years ago.  But it gave me a personal, lasting sensitivity to injustice in America.

• I would give the court some much-needed diversity: the atheist viewpoint.

• I don’t like large groups.  Dealing with eight other people would be about right for me.

• I learned from watching Judge Judy that if it doesn’t make sense, it probably isn’t true.

• I once read a book on the Federalist Papers, and another one about the Constitution, and  I thought they were interesting.  So I don’t think I would fall asleep at the bench, much.

• I could be friends with Ruth Bader Ginsburg too, if she doesn’t ask me to go to the opera.

• Making $240,000 a year for the rest of my life, with July, August and September off, sounds good to me.

• Most importantly, I know how the Court works.  My clerks will do the grunt work.  I will just say to them, this is what I think, now go find me some legal rationale for it.

Mr. President, I await your — and our nation’s — call.  But please, call before happy hour.