DOROTHY: You’re a very bad man!
WIZARD: Oh, no, my dear — I’m — I’m a very good man. I’m just a very bad Wizard.
ARTIST: What about us?
WIZARD: Well, I —
ARTIST: What about the heart that you promised Dick Cheney?
WIZARD: Well, I —
ARTIST: And the courage that you promised John Boehner?
WIZARD: Well, I —
DOROTHY: And the Artist’s talent?
WIZARD: Well, I — but he has it. He’s had it all the time!
ARTIST: You promised us real things — real artistic ability!
CHENEY: A real heart!
BOEHNER: Real courage! That’s what we want.
WIZARD: You do? Boys, you’re aiming low. You not only surprise, but you grieve me.
[WIZARD steps closer to ARTIST]
WIZARD: Why, anybody can show creativity. That’s a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the earth — or slinks through slimy seas thinks he knows what people want to buy and exhibit on their walls! From the rock-bound coast of Maine to the Sun…. oh, oh, no…. ah well, be that as it may. Back where I come from we have schools of art and design, salons of grand prestige — where men and women go to become great artists. And when they come out, they paint ponderous paintings — with no more talent than you have…. But! They have one thing you haven’t got! A studio!
[WIZARD reaches back and obtains several file folders, selects one, and presents it to the ARTIST as Dorothy, Cheney and Boehner look on.]
WIZARD: Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by Museum Modernarticus Trendibatus e Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you a lease to an art studio, along with the honorary degree of Ah.D.
ARTIST: Ah.D.?
WIZARD: Yeah — that… that’s Doctor of Artology!
[Closeup of ARTIST, portrayed by me, as he begins to recite color wheel theory.]
ARTIST: “The primary colors are the three pigment colors that can not be mixed or formed by any combination of other colors.” Oh joy, rapture! I have creative talent!
[ARTIST thanks WIZARD, as WIZARD takes John BOEHNER and leads him forward. WIZARD pauses on the throne steps — opens a door and takes out a black bag.]
ARTIST: How can I ever thank you enough?
WIZARD: Well, you can’t. As for you, my fine friend [turning to BOEHNER] — you’re a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You’re confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called heroes. Once a year, they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have. But! They have one thing that you haven’t got!
