{"id":9119,"date":"2014-09-13T22:31:25","date_gmt":"2014-09-14T02:31:25","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/?p=9119"},"modified":"2022-08-01T07:43:06","modified_gmt":"2022-08-01T11:43:06","slug":"my-counter-funeral","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/2014\/09\/my-counter-funeral\/","title":{"rendered":"My Counter-Funeral"},"content":{"rendered":"

Joan Rivers<\/a> is not the only person who wrote elaborate directions as to the style and content of her own funeral.\u00a0 I also have such instructions, but they differ a little from those of Ms. Rivers.\u00a0 I want my funeral to be full of the things I can’t stand now.\u00a0 I don’t want to enjoy anything<\/em> about being dead — so here is how my<\/em> send-off should go:<\/p>\n

\u2022 All attendees must undergo security wanding and take their shoes and socks off.<\/p>\n

\u2022\u00a0I want it to be a big showbiz affair with all the Hollywood personalities.\u00a0 The one-name celebrities (Cher, Madonna, Bono, Beyonce, et al) get to sit at the front.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I want an open-casket ceremony, with tearful multitudes waiting in line to grasp my cold dead hand, as they think to themselves, “I didn’t know he looked this<\/em> bad!”<\/p>\n

\u2022 Speaking of cold dead hands, I want to be buried with my automatic rifle.\u00a0 Someone needs to go out and buy me one before the service.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Put me in some flimsy polyester trousers that make it obvious which way I dress.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Give me a clear-coat manicure.\u00a0 Or what the hell, any color, as long as it is very shiny.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I want Neil Diamond to sing “Cracklin’ Rosie<\/a>” and throw in an extra verse or two of bah-bup-uppah-dah.\u00a0<\/em> And if Mr. Diamond is not alive at the time of my funeral, I want all six-hundred attendees to bring iPods (which I also hate) and play “Cracklin’ Rosie” in unison, at full volume, through their earbuds.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I want a famous Christian evangelist (Rick Warren will do, just as slippery as the rest) to proclaim to the crowd that I am in a better place now.\u00a0 He should also assert that I really did love Jesus, in my own way, and that God is now reading my blog.<\/p>\n

\u2022 In the same vein, I want at least three people to walk up to the lectern and tell the attendees what I would<\/em> have wanted, if I were still alive.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I want John Boehner to speak.\u00a0 He’s good for a cry, and he will insult all my friends.<\/p>\n

\u2022 I also want former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan to speak.\u00a0 I want her to say, in her typical pained, melodramatic fashion, how tragically misguided my political beliefs were.\u00a0\u00a0 And I want her to say those very words — “tragically misguided.”<\/p>\n

\u2022 For pallbearers, I select Vladimir Putin.\u00a0 By himself.\u00a0 With his shirt off.<\/p>\n

\u2022 At the wake, I want the open bar to close down after fifteen minutes.\u00a0 No, make that ten.\u00a0 Why should I<\/em> be the only one to suffer?<\/p>\n

\u2022 Also at the wake, I want the server to go around and ask, “Beef Wellington or Pasta?”\u00a0 Except that I want the Beef Wellington to abruptly “run out” after the first five people.<\/p>\n

In the end, people who attend my funeral will be really<\/em> sorry that I died!\u00a0 As it should be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Joan Rivers is not the only person who wrote elaborate directions as to the style and content of her own funeral.\u00a0 I also have such instructions, but they differ a little from those of Ms. Rivers.\u00a0 I want my funeral … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[45,3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9119","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-commentary"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9119","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9119"}],"version-history":[{"count":36,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9119\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9155,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9119\/revisions\/9155"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9119"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9119"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9119"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}