{"id":9070,"date":"2014-08-27T00:19:21","date_gmt":"2014-08-27T04:19:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/?p=9070"},"modified":"2022-08-01T07:43:06","modified_gmt":"2022-08-01T11:43:06","slug":"news-from-bizarro-world","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/2014\/08\/news-from-bizarro-world\/","title":{"rendered":"News from Bizarro World"},"content":{"rendered":"

[Editor’s Note: This news brief was discovered in a stack of papers nearly 40 years old.\u00a0 We are publishing it now because it is still considered “news” on Bizarro World and we want to be responsible.\u00a0 There was no byline on the article, but we have some ideas.]<\/em><\/p>\n

ON MY RECENT TRIP to Bizarro World, I met with the President at \r\nhis unfurnished flat in the ghetto.\u00a0 Our talks were, of course, \r\nuninformative and useless.<\/pre>\n
_____<\/p>\n
THE PRESIDENT DID STATE that spending for defense would increase, \r\nas would spending for garbage collection.\u00a0 Budget cuts in other\r\nareas, notably in education and piano tuning, would offset those\r\nincreases.\u00a0 Noting that \"the people of Bizarro World want change,\"\r\nthe President also authorized a special minting of over two million\r\ndimes and quarters.<\/pre>\n
_____<\/p>\n
RECENT ATTENTION IN BIZARRO WORLD has been focused on the role of \r\nthe President's budget director who, as one source put it, \"eats\r\nwith his mouth full.\"\u00a0 It was supposedly the budget director who\r\nadvised the President to appear on television wearing nothing but\r\na barrel.\u00a0 That idea was set aside, however, when the President\r\nrealized he would have no place to carry all his change.<\/pre>\n
_____<\/p>\n
IN HIS ADDRESS to the world, the President described the critical\r\nstate of the Bizarro economy.\u00a0 \"I have seen people throw away their\r\nmoney because they could not afford to keep it,\" he lamented.\u00a0\r\n\"I have also seen dogs fighting in the street over worthless bones.\r\nThese are not pretty sights to see,\" the President concluded.<\/pre>\n
_____<\/p>\n
ON THE SUBJECT OF DOGS, there remains active controversy concerning\r\nthe DRA (Dog's Rights Amendment).\u00a0 In order for DRA to become law,\r\nit must be ratified by 29 of the 373 sectors of Bizarro World.\r\nAt this time, DRA has been passed by 52 sectors, 31 of which \r\nrescinded their ratification, while 18 of those sectors rescinding\r\nratification ratified it once again, and 7 of those who reratified\r\nit decided to rerescind it.\u00a0 Because talk of dogs is illegal in the\r\nremaining 221 sectors, the amendment has not come to a vote there.<\/pre>\n
_____<\/p>\n
THE MAN IN THE STREET appears to know little of the actual intent\r\nof DRA.\u00a0 I talked to one man in the street who told me, \"I ain't\r\nsharing my gutter with no dog.\u00a0 They can piss on the hydrants\r\nwhere they belong.\"<\/pre>\n
_____<\/p>\n
MEANWHILE, A RECENT SPATE OF HOTEL FIRES here has prompted Bizarro\r\nauthorities to institute new measures for fire security in public\r\nbuildings.\u00a0 One-pound packages of ground chuck will be placed in\r\nspecial containers on each floor of such buildings; the smell of\r\ncooking hamburgers will warn residents of the building of the\r\npresence of fire.\u00a0 Additionally, in order to lessen the danger to\r\nfiremen searching a burning building for occupants, persons are\r\nbeing instructed not to hide in closets but rather to proceed to\r\nthe roof and start grilling.<\/pre>\n
_____<\/p>\n
REGARDING THE DRA, one Bizarro World fire official noted, \"We have\r\nhad dogs on the force for years and we get along fine.\"<\/pre>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
[Editor’s Note: This news brief was discovered in a stack of papers nearly 40 years old.\u00a0 We are publishing it now because it is still considered “news” on Bizarro World and we want to be responsible.\u00a0 There was no byline … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[35],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-9070","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-creativity"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9070","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=9070"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9070\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":9074,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9070\/revisions\/9074"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=9070"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=9070"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=9070"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}