{"id":8652,"date":"2014-07-13T22:03:50","date_gmt":"2014-07-14T02:03:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/?p=8652"},"modified":"2022-08-01T07:43:07","modified_gmt":"2022-08-01T11:43:07","slug":"things-dont-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/2014\/07\/things-dont-work\/","title":{"rendered":"Things That Don’t Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

There are some things that just don’t work:<\/p>\n

Sweet Potato & Sea Salt Triscuits.<\/a>
\nJordan Klepper<\/a> as a correspondent for “The Daily Show.”
\nNuclear power plants<\/a> in earthquake and tsunami zones.
\nAnita Bryant<\/a> (and may she continue not to work).
\nShopping malls<\/a> from February to October.
\nBon Jovi comeback concerts<\/a>.<\/div>\n

<\/P><\/p>\n

Wines that have a sense of humor.<\/a>
\n“The View” without Joy Behar<\/a> and Barbara Walters, or with them.
\nPorta-Potty<\/a> hand-wash stations.
\nThe ego-endowed but sterile offspring of Oprah Winfrey and Donald Trump.<\/a>
\nWindows 8<\/a>. It’s 2014 and your cursor freezes. C’mon man.
\nStock brokers<\/a> (and the brokest ones too).<\/div>\n

<\/P><\/p>\n

Professional sports that pass off brain trauma as part of the game.<\/a>
\nSaturday deliveries<\/a> by the U.S. Mail.
\nLawnmowers<\/a> you haven’t started since last November.
\nWrath without grapes<\/a>.
\nSurgeon General warnings<\/a>.
\nPennies<\/a>, if I may offer my two-cents worth.<\/div>\n<\/p>\n
Any large enclosed space with a sign above the door that says “K-Mart<\/a>.”
\nAntibiotics<\/a> for a cold virus.
\nFour out of five men on a road construction<\/a> project.
\nAnti-joules<\/a> (for you thermodynamics nerds out there).
\nToken liberals<\/a> who appear on Fox News.
\nThe token conservative<\/a> in The New York Times.\n<\/div>\n<\/p>\n
Jewish fireflies<\/a> after sundown on Friday.
\nJoint checking accounts at The First Bank of Nigeria<\/a>.
\nDavid Spade<\/a> trying to be less annoying than\u00a0Hugh Grant<\/a>.
\nGoogle Plus (or Minus<\/a>).
\nCraft beer in a plastic cup<\/a>.
\nBob Hope and Frank Zappa in the same headline<\/a>.<\/div>\n<\/p>\n
College rape investigations<\/a>.
\nAfghanistan (No. 7 on the Failed States Index<\/a>.)
\nRight-wing politicians who, once a year, claim they care about the poor<\/a>.
\nNon-disabled Social Security disability recipients (0.7% of total<\/a>).
\nThe United States Senate<\/a> and House<\/a> of Representatives.
\nEvery Middle-East “peace<\/a>” settlement.\n<\/div>\n<\/p>\n
\nVanna White (hasn’t turned a letter since 1997<\/a>).
\nKaraoke and drunk people. For simplicity, let’s just say karaoke<\/a>.
\nThat said, watered-down<\/a> drinks.
\nA dandelion<\/a> on a windless day.
\nClouds with painful raining<\/a> or weak flow.
\nUSB Barbeque Drives<\/a>.\n<\/div>\n<\/p>\n
\nFrogs with a lisp.
\nA tick at a zombie picnic.
\nSausage stuffed into plum skins.
\nSteve Jobs trying to chat up Thomas Edison in heaven.
\nYoko Ono for-the-ever.
\nLink-infested blog posts.\n<\/div>\n<\/p>\n

There are some things that just don’t work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There are some things that just don’t work: Sweet Potato & Sea Salt Triscuits. Jordan Klepper as a correspondent for “The Daily Show.” Nuclear power plants in earthquake and tsunami zones. Anita Bryant (and may she continue not to work). … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8652","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-commentary"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8652","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8652"}],"version-history":[{"count":154,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8652\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8865,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8652\/revisions\/8865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8652"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8652"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8652"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}