{"id":35882,"date":"2026-02-20T19:34:38","date_gmt":"2026-02-21T00:34:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/?p=35882"},"modified":"2026-02-21T08:15:39","modified_gmt":"2026-02-21T13:15:39","slug":"things-i-am-never-going-to-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/2026\/02\/things-i-am-never-going-to-do\/","title":{"rendered":"Things I Am NEVER Going to Do"},"content":{"rendered":"\r\n

I’ve done lots of things in my seven-plus decades of life that were ill-considered or outright stupid — my 25-year cigarette habit probably foremost among them.\u00a0 But there are some activities I am NEVER<\/span> going to do, not even if Jesus himself walked through the wall of my family room and said, “My Son, I know you haven’t gone to church in a while — I do keep tabs — but I have decided that you may engage in any reckless activity you want for one year, without fear of even slightly injuring yourself or others.”<\/p>\r\n

“Why, Jesus, why?” I would implore of him, falling to my knees.\u00a0 (Ouch.)<\/p>\r\n

“Because I really — VERILY — enjoy reading your blog.\u00a0 The upcoming adventures that you are sure to share thereupon will please me.”\u00a0 So sayeth Jesus, who would then exit through the same wall he entered without any trace of wall damage.\u00a0 That<\/em> would be a miracle.<\/p>\r\n

In any event, I thought it would be interesting (and pleasing to Jesus) to list a few things that I am NEVER <\/span>going to do in my remaining months, years or decades, with or without\u00a0 any free pass from the Man in the Silver Sandals.\u00a0 So here goes.<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to skydive!\u00a0 I don’t care if our 41st President G.H.W. Bush did it on his 90th birthday<\/a> — skydiving calls for too much trust in the person who packs the parachute. So y’all go ahead and splat yourself onto our granite planet like the ripe eggplants we are.\u00a0 Hope you gain an appreciation for the gravity of the situation on the way down.<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to bungee-jump off a bridge or any other platform!\u00a0 What are these people thinking?\u00a0 Is this their way of diagnosing the hiatus hernia in their stomach?\u00a0 Or more likely, the voids in their skull?<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to snort cocaine!\u00a0 Again, what are these people thinking?\u00a0 One of the most disappointing things to learn as a Beatles fan was how each of them abused cocaine and other self-destructive drugs in the ’70s.\u00a0 The dream was<\/em> over and they made sure of it.<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to attend a religious revival meeting — or should I say, another<\/em> one.\u00a0 There are some things one agrees to do in order to spend more time with your date — but you only have to do them once.\u00a0 After that, you can say no, and then — mirabile dictu!<\/em> — she doesn’t want to do them either.<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to visit a Las Vegas casino.\u00a0 It’s not like I have some anti-gambling fetish:\u00a0 it would be nice to play some friendly dealer-choice poker with like-minded guys.\u00a0 But I have this thing about throwing money away for no reason at all.\u00a0 Just me I guess.<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to have a dog or cat or other furry animal.\u00a0 Six years ago, my spouse got a canary, maybe the least care-intensive pet besides a goldfish.\u00a0 I tolerate it (see item above about revival meetings) and I help care for it.\u00a0 But no way am I ever getting up at 6:15 AM<\/span> on a cold February morning to escort my so-called pet outside so it can take a dump.\u00a0 And then for me to bag it up!<\/em><\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to sit through a State of The Union rant by Donald Trump.\u00a0 No way am I staying up past 9:00 PM<\/span> on a cold February evening to watch my so-called president take a dump.\u00a0 And then for me to bag it up!<\/em><\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to march in a social justice event.\u00a0 By the time I was inspired to do so, time passed me by…\u00a0 Now, the time I may need to spend on my feet trumps my idealism.<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to vote for another Republican. The days of voting for “the best candidate” are long gone. I think the last Republican I voted for was Gerald Ford in 1976. (He lost.)<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to open a TikTok account.\u00a0 Or a LinkedIn account.\u00a0 Or an X account.\u00a0 Or an Instagram account.\u00a0 I’ll just stay comfortably enslaved to the Big Three: Facebook, Gmail and Amazon.\u00a0 I’ve made my stand, as it were.<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to get my garage cleaned out to my satisfaction — that<\/em> would be a miracle.\u00a0 (Hmmm… are you reading, Jesus?)<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to shoot a gun of any type or description.\u00a0 But burglars beware, I have a baseball bat in my closet, which I promise to swing with wild abandon if you dare enter.\u00a0 Which in my opinion is about the only reason one can justify owning a firearm rather than a baseball bat.<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to do everything my doctor tells me to do.\u00a0 This is because I NEVER<\/span> tell my doctor everything going on with me.\u00a0 Do you?<\/p>\r\n

\u2022\u00a0 I’m NEVER<\/span> going to eat a burger with a leaf of kale, or anything ever with a leaf of kale.\u00a0 \u00a0 The interesting thing about kale: if you rearrange the letters KALE, you get EALK, which is the sound one makes when trying to eat kale.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve done lots of things in my seven-plus decades of life that were ill-considered or outright stupid — my 25-year cigarette habit probably foremost among them.\u00a0 But there are some activities I am NEVER going to do, not even if … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[39],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-35882","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-interests"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35882","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35882"}],"version-history":[{"count":52,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35882\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":35961,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35882\/revisions\/35961"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35882"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35882"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35882"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}