![\"The](\"http:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-content\/uploads\/trump-rant2.jpg\" "\\"The")
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As President of The United States, I ask Congress — our do-nothing Congress — to pass the following bill, which I will sign as soon as I lumber back to the Oval Office, with Melania trudging along at my heels, in her heels.\u00a0 This is the way it should be, people, the way it should be.\u00a0 Everyone should marry a foreign supermodel at least once.\u00a0 It might work for Mitch McConnell — Mitch, if I get you a supermodel, you will pass my tax plan, right?\u00a0 So here is my plan, it’s wonderful, and I can count it down for you.<\/p>\n
Number One.\u00a0 People who read the Bible, and by that I mean only the King James Version, the real version, shall not be taxed.\u00a0 Bible readers, you are great people, we all love you.\u00a0 And if you have read Two Corinthians, you will get an extra tax credit.\u00a0 Be sure to check both of the Corinthians boxes on your 1040 and the IRS will take care of the rest.\u00a0 How is that for tax simplification.\u00a0 Am I right?<\/p>\n
Number Two.\u00a0 Gay people.\u00a0 People who know me know that I know gay people.\u00a0 Some of my friends know gay people.\u00a0 There’s Jeff Sessions — where is he, are you out there, Jeff?\u00a0 No?\u00a0 Well who cares.\u00a0 Anyway, believe me, next year the IRS will have something beautiful just for gay people.\u00a0 Married Filing Gay.\u00a0 You check the box, Married Filing Gay, on the 1040 and the IRS will\u00a0 take care of the rest.\u00a0 It will be a great deal for gays.\u00a0 They will save a lot of money, a ton of money.\u00a0 There will be deductions for purple uniforms and same-sex wedding cakes — but getting someone to bake them for you will be a little harder, once my Supreme Court justices have their say.\u00a0 They will do the right thing.\u00a0 I picked Neil Gorsuch, you know.\u00a0 I did my job, now Gorsuch has to do his.\u00a0 Don’t be another Jeff Sessions, Neil.\u00a0 Don’t let me down.<\/p>\n
Number Three.\u00a0 It is incredibly unfair, the disparity between business taxes and personal income taxes. \u00a0 This administration is finally going to take care of those crooked businesses out there, the ones who don’t pay their fair share of taxes.\u00a0 And when I say, take care of them, I mean it.\u00a0 We are going to cut taxes on business so that their fair share is reduced.\u00a0 That will bring most businesses into the fair-share zone — the rest will have to wait for my next business tax cut, but I promise you there will be one.\u00a0 Unfair taxes will be eliminated.<\/p>\n
Number Four.\u00a0 I know this is a tax bill, but we need to restore patriotism.\u00a0 It is tragic how so many people, so-called Americans, disrespect our flag, our soldiers, people in nursing homes, people washing the stars on Hollywood Boulevard,\u00a0 noble service animals — those German Shephard dogs, I tell you, they’re the best.\u00a0 And now there is all this kneeling!\u00a0 Football players should kneel in church on Sundays, not on the football field.\u00a0 So my plan gives a tax credit to the patriots who stand when the National Anthem is played.\u00a0 People in wheelchairs will not have to stand up, because we all love people in wheelchairs, right?\u00a0\u00a0 The patriot tax credit will also go to people at home, in their living rooms, who stand up when the National Anthem is played on TV.\u00a0\u00a0 Again, the IRS will make it easy — just check the box on your 1040.\u00a0 Finally, there will be another tax break when you see me on TV and stand up and salute.\u00a0 Check that box too — this is tax reform, people.\u00a0 Tax reform.<\/p>\n
Number Five.\u00a0 I am going to get rid of Obamacare, it’s a disaster.\u00a0 We cannot wait until it falls apart by itself, so I’m doing everything I can to make it implode.\u00a0 Until then, here is my plan.\u00a0 We are going to take all the taxes we collect for Medicare and Medicaid and send it all right back to the states.\u00a0 Each state will get an equal share of this money — Wyoming, Alabama, Nebraska, California, they all get the same amount, because that’s what’s fair.\u00a0 Do the math — each state has two senators, right?<\/p>\n
We’re still working out details, but California will love it.\u00a0 Your state didn’t vote for me, but you will love it.\u00a0 So I’m doing something nice for California anyway.\u00a0 And what does it say about you, you disrespectful people.\u00a0 The rest of the country is waiting for you to fall into the Pacific — don’t wait too long, don’t wait too long, California.\u00a0 Fall in the ocean already.\u00a0 Alabama is eyeing your share.<\/p>\n
Number Six.\u00a0 Since this is a six-point plan, we need to do something about infrastructure.\u00a0 People are driving around on roads that aren’t safe.\u00a0 The roads are not safe because of all the illegal immigrants driving on them.\u00a0 So we need to build that wall.\u00a0 It’s very dangerous out there.\u00a0 We need to fix that now.\u00a0 Drivers can feel safe on the road when this do-nothing Congress passes my tax plan and builds that wall.<\/p>\n
Speaking of driving.\u00a0 Do you know there are no NASCAR tracks in Massachusetts?\u00a0 Not a single racetrack, and that’s a fact.\u00a0 I would say they don’t love America in Massachusetts.\u00a0 So sad!\u00a0 Hillary lived right next door to Massachusetts, so what do you expect.\u00a0 She hates losing races, but she lost to me!<\/p>\n
In the end, I pretend it’s about you, but it’s about me.\u00a0 I will say this again:\u00a0 I pretend it’s about you, but it’s about me.\u00a0 I could say this one hundred times and you dopes out there still would not understand this or care.\u00a0 But this you get:\u00a0 I’m the boss.\u00a0 You’re my viewers.\u00a0 Everyone else, you’re fired.\u00a0 God Bless America.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As President of The United States, I ask Congress — our do-nothing Congress — to pass the following bill, which I will sign as soon as I lumber back to the Oval Office, with Melania trudging along at my heels, … Continue reading