{"id":15739,"date":"2017-07-31T14:56:23","date_gmt":"2017-07-31T18:56:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/?p=15739"},"modified":"2022-08-01T07:42:56","modified_gmt":"2022-08-01T11:42:56","slug":"when-i-get-to-heaven","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/2017\/07\/when-i-get-to-heaven\/","title":{"rendered":"When I Get to Heaven…"},"content":{"rendered":"

When I get to Heaven…<\/p>\n

\"\"… God will let me spend as much time in the bathroom as I want without asking me whether everything’s OK in there.<\/p>\n

… I will finally have time to read War and Peace<\/em> and (because this is Heaven) I will have perfect recall for all the Russian names and characters.<\/p>\n

… God will say, “You want Russian literature, why not start with The Brothers Karamazov.\u00a0 <\/em>Just a thought.”\u00a0 I will reply, thanks, but I need a really long book to read while I’m in the bathroom.\u00a0 And God will just roll her eyes.<\/p>\n

… I won’t need to learn how to use my wings because Heaven will have self-driving clouds.<\/p>\n

… I will never have to go to a hospital emergency room for routine medical problems, because God established universal health care in Heaven several centuries ago.<\/p>\n

… Plums will be available year-round and they will be the sweet, juicy Santa Rosa variety.\u00a0 God will appoint me to throw all the hard and flavorless plums over the side of the cloud, so that supermarkets on Earth will have something to sell to the poor slobs down there.<\/p>\n

… Fox News will be blacked out on Heaven TV, because you can’t spread lies in Heaven.<\/p>\n

… I will never have to drink day-old coffee again.\u00a0 Actually, I don’t drink day-old coffee right now, here on Earth.\u00a0 So I guess that’s a tie.<\/p>\n

… I wll be able to have sex with anyone I want, as long as it’s my wife.\u00a0 (Another tie.)<\/p>\n

… Christopher Hitchens will come up to me and ask, “What are you<\/em> doing here?”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I get to Heaven… … God will let me spend as much time in the bathroom as I want without asking me whether everything’s OK in there. … I will finally have time to read War and Peace and … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[45],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15739","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15739","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=15739"}],"version-history":[{"count":11,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15739\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15799,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/15739\/revisions\/15799"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=15739"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=15739"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=15739"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}