{"id":12290,"date":"2015-12-31T20:10:07","date_gmt":"2016-01-01T01:10:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/?p=12290"},"modified":"2022-08-01T07:43:02","modified_gmt":"2022-08-01T11:43:02","slug":"rumor-central-your-next-iphone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/2015\/12\/rumor-central-your-next-iphone\/","title":{"rendered":"Rumor Central: Your Next iPhone"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"The<\/a>I have old friends who work at Apple.\u00a0 I also know local hipsters who enjoy craft beers brewed with apples.\u00a0 One evening, after several such craft beers had been consumed, some of these apple-insiders took your faithful correspondent into their confidence and revealed to me, as I now reveal to you, the amazing new features of the next iPhone.<\/p>\n

\u2022 First, this device will not<\/em> be called iPhone 7<\/em>.\u00a0 Apple CEO Tim Cook has decided to name it iJobs One<\/em> — to pay tribute to the obsessive design ethic of Steve Jobs, and to cash in one last time on his zen-legacy before the next unflattering Jobs biography threatens the brand.<\/p>\n

\u2022 The build will be fantastic.\u00a0 My apple-infused friends tell me that the iJobs One<\/em> will be available in four exotic materials:<\/p>\n

\u2217 The polished case of the Game of Thrones<\/em> model will be forged from the finest Valyrian steel.\u00a0 Drop it and you will dent your floor, not your phone.<\/p>\n

\u2217 The touch surface of the Star Trek <\/em>model will be a translucent sheet of fused dilithium crystals.\u00a0 To engage Warp Factor 9, you inform the device that such speeds are beyond its capability, then you take a swig of Scotch and swipe your finger as steadily as possible from bottom-left to top-right.<\/p>\n

\u2217 The touch-sensitive edge of the Fair Trade<\/em> model will be manufactured from recycled coffee-bean hulls woven into a carbon-fiber matrix sourced from authentic Colombian ponchos.\u00a0 Your social responsibility score is displayed on-screen after every tap.<\/p>\n

\u2217 Finally, for neo-conservatives who use iPhones, there is the George W. Bush<\/em> model, featuring a red metallic case made from the WMDs discovered in Iraq in the months following the 2003 US invasion — I am told it will be a very rare edition!<\/p>\n

\u2022 The iJobs One<\/em> is more attuned to the rhythms of your body than ever before.\u00a0 Its ultrasonic sensor monitors the peristalsis of your stomach and gut, and its new iGo<\/em> app automatically reserves time in your daily calendar for you to answer nature’s call.\u00a0 Never again will you have to say in the middle of a developer meeting, “Sorry, I have to step out for a minute to consult with John.”<\/p>\n

\u2022 There is a revolutionary new charging paradigm for the iJobs One: <\/em>it recharges when you stare at it.\u00a0 Apple has not revealed how this works, but I attest that it does.\u00a0 To prove it, I borrowed four of my neighbor’s cats, herded them into my kitchen, then powered up a pre-production model of the iJobs One<\/em> with a background image of a mouse.\u00a0 Kid you not: the phone was 24% charged before and 63% a half-hour later.\u00a0 If you like cats, you will love the iJobs One<\/em>.\u00a0 If you don’t like cats, well, keep looking.<\/p>\n

\u2022 The most controversial feature of the iJobs One<\/em> will no doubt be its LieBrate<\/em> setting.\u00a0 The phone has sensors to measure heart rate and pupil dilation, and its speech analysis software can detect changes in vocal pitch associated with stress and uncertainty.\u00a0 If you activate the phone’s LieBrate<\/em> setting and then put the device in your pocket or purse, it will vibrate whenever it detects patterns that match known lies.<\/p>\n

I forgot that I had the pre-production model of the iJobs One<\/em> in my pocket while watching the Republican Debate last month, and it vibrated so much that I almost had an orgasm.\u00a0 Very confusing.\u00a0 I won’t make that mistake again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have old friends who work at Apple.\u00a0 I also know local hipsters who enjoy craft beers brewed with apples.\u00a0 One evening, after several such craft beers had been consumed, some of these apple-insiders took your faithful correspondent into their … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[45],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12290","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12290","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12290"}],"version-history":[{"count":22,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12290\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12318,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12290\/revisions\/12318"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12290"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12290"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chcollins.com\/100Billion\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12290"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}