The Tyrant Rants

As President of The United States, I ask Congress — our do-nothing Congress — to pass the following bill, which I will sign as soon as I lumber back to the Oval Office, with Melania trudging along at my heels, in her heels.  This is the way it should be, people, the way it should be.  Everyone should marry a foreign supermodel at least once.  It might work for Mitch McConnell — Mitch, if I get you a supermodel, you will pass my tax plan, right?  So here is my plan, it’s wonderful, and I can count it down for you.

Number One.  People who read the Bible, and by that I mean only the King James Version, the real version, shall not be taxed.  Bible readers, you are great people, we all love you.  And if you have read Two Corinthians, you will get an extra tax credit.  Be sure to check both of the Corinthians boxes on your 1040 and the IRS will take care of the rest.  How is that for tax simplification.  Am I right?

Number Two.  Gay people.  People who know me know that I know gay people.  Some of my friends know gay people.  There’s Jeff Sessions — where is he, are you out there, Jeff?  No?  Well who cares.  Anyway, believe me, next year the IRS will have something beautiful just for gay people.  Married Filing Gay.  You check the box, Married Filing Gay, on the 1040 and the IRS will  take care of the rest.  It will be a great deal for gays.  They will save a lot of money, a ton of money.  There will be deductions for purple uniforms and same-sex wedding cakes — but getting someone to bake them for you will be a little harder, once my Supreme Court justices have their say.  They will do the right thing.  I picked Neil Gorsuch, you know.  I did my job, now Gorsuch has to do his.  Don’t be another Jeff Sessions, Neil.  Don’t let me down.

Number Three.  It is incredibly unfair, the disparity between business taxes and personal income taxes.   This administration is finally going to take care of those crooked businesses out there, the ones who don’t pay their fair share of taxes.  And when I say, take care of them, I mean it.  We are going to cut taxes on business so that their fair share is reduced.  That will bring most businesses into the fair-share zone — the rest will have to wait for my next business tax cut, but I promise you there will be one.  Unfair taxes will be eliminated.

Number Four.  I know this is a tax bill, but we need to restore patriotism.  It is tragic how so many people, so-called Americans, disrespect our flag, our soldiers, people in nursing homes, people washing the stars on Hollywood Boulevard,  noble service animals — those German Shephard dogs, I tell you, they’re the best.  And now there is all this kneeling!  Football players should kneel in church on Sundays, not on the football field.  So my plan gives a tax credit to the patriots who stand when the National Anthem is played.  People in wheelchairs will not have to stand up, because we all love people in wheelchairs, right?   The patriot tax credit will also go to people at home, in their living rooms, who stand up when the National Anthem is played on TV.   Again, the IRS will make it easy — just check the box on your 1040.  Finally, there will be another tax break when you see me on TV and stand up and salute.  Check that box too — this is tax reform, people.  Tax reform.

Number Five.  I am going to get rid of Obamacare, it’s a disaster.  We cannot wait until it falls apart by itself, so I’m doing everything I can to make it implode.  Until then, here is my plan.  We are going to take all the taxes we collect for Medicare and Medicaid and send it all right back to the states.  Each state will get an equal share of this money — Wyoming, Alabama, Nebraska, California, they all get the same amount, because that’s what’s fair.  Do the math — each state has two senators, right?

We’re still working out details, but California will love it.  Your state didn’t vote for me, but you will love it.  So I’m doing something nice for California anyway.  And what does it say about you, you disrespectful people.  The rest of the country is waiting for you to fall into the Pacific — don’t wait too long, don’t wait too long, California.  Fall in the ocean already.  Alabama is eyeing your share.

Number Six.  Since this is a six-point plan, we need to do something about infrastructure.  People are driving around on roads that aren’t safe.  The roads are not safe because of all the illegal immigrants driving on them.  So we need to build that wall.  It’s very dangerous out there.  We need to fix that now.  Drivers can feel safe on the road when this do-nothing Congress passes my tax plan and builds that wall.

Speaking of driving.  Do you know there are no NASCAR tracks in Massachusetts?  Not a single racetrack, and that’s a fact.  I would say they don’t love America in Massachusetts.  So sad!  Hillary lived right next door to Massachusetts, so what do you expect.  She hates losing races, but she lost to me!

In the end, I pretend it’s about you, but it’s about me.  I will say this again:  I pretend it’s about you, but it’s about me.  I could say this one hundred times and you dopes out there still would not understand this or care.  But this you get:  I’m the boss.  You’re my viewers.  Everyone else, you’re fired.  God Bless America.

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• Scenic is a picnic with see in it.

• When one is young, there are not enough hours in the day.  When one gets older, there are not enough days in the year.

• Over one thousand people a year complete the 2,190-mile Appalachian Trail in one hike (known as thru-hiking).  Compare this to the 50,000 runners who complete the 26-mile New York Marathon every year.  So I wonder: how many would attempt these feats if they were longer or shorter?  There must be an optimum difficulty level for such endeavors that is hard enough to be considered a challenge but attainable enough to get people to try.

• We just bought a new mattress at Ethan Allen.  I was not that happy with the experience, because Ethan Allen wanted to charge us a $125 delivery and set-up fee along with a $95 disposal fee for our old mattress.  None of the other stores we shopped had a delivery or disposal charge.  When we questioned the Ethan Allen salesperson about this discrepancy, her response was, well we have no idea what they do with old mattresses but we have to send them to the landfill.  As if JCPenney drives a truck into the mountains and dumps their old mattresses in the river.

We negotiated the $220 delivery-and-disposal charge down to $75 but I still feel like much of what we paid for this item was to compensate the entitled salespersons at Ethan Allen.  That said, the mattress feels great.  Maybe if I sleep better, I will write a less resentful blog.

• I was in a spelling bee in sixth grade.  I dropped out seven or eight people from the top.  The word I choked on: mattress.  It was the last time (until now) I cried over a mattress.

• Here in the Bible Belt, the Christian code-word for being well-off financially is blessed.  I wonder what the Bible Belt euphemism is for fellow-believers addicted to painkillers.

• It is tempting to allow time to have its say and let Donald Trump be judged by history as the injurious incompetent he is.  But the long perspective is small comfort: my history is this morning, my history is ten minutes ago, my history is the period ending this sentence.  I don’t have time for historians to decide whether Trump is comedy, tragedy or chaos.

• If I ever wanted to create a video to promote my art, the persons I would ask to narrate would be David Attenborough, Morgan Freeman, and Laura Linney.  For the lighter bits, Tom Hanks.  For my dammit-who-cares-what-you-like items, Samantha Bee.

• Are we the Pretender States of America?  Our leaders say we believe in x, y and z but their actions so often demonstrate the opposite.  The United States loves to pat itself on the back, as if we were the New England Patriots of Humankind, but where is the evidence that Americans are any less hateful or prejudicial to those who are unlike us than the people of any other developed nation?  We recite our myth of plain-spoken provincialism, we toss some of the bounty of our ill-gotten lands to the nations who marvel at our lavish parade, then we proclaim ourselves to be exceptional.  We are great — marketers.

• You have just read the otherwise unexceptional 500th post on The 100 Billionth Person (D is the Roman symbol for 500).  I made special bits for my 300th and 400th posts but was uninspired to make something special of it this time, as I am not sure who (if anyone) I am talking to anymore.  It’s not that I wouldn’t like an audience, it’s more that having an audience has not led to more connections, the two-way conversations I desire.

• So on we go to No. 501.  As Ringo says, Peace and Love.  You’re invited.

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Hello ART @ CHC

artchc2This may be a bit early, but I am impatient and excited to get things going.  I am using this post to announce and launch my new art-focused website ART @ CHC.

This dedicated site (chcollins.com/art) will better highlight my visual art, which I think got lost in the commentary and diverse topics that I explore here on The 100 Billionth Person.  So from now on, I will be posting my painting and photography at ART @ CHC.

I no longer have an art business presence (goodbye Mountain City Arts) but this does not mean I want to stop making and sharing my art or even selling it if the opportunity arises.  But I have modest expectations: right now, I just want to make sharing easier.

I have programmed several websites in the past but ART @ CHC is the first time I tried to use WordPress (blog software) to create a site.  It is also the first time I used pay-versions of themes and plug-ins.  Even using pay-software, I wound up spending more hours than I care to admit reverse-engineering and tweaking it all, until I got ART @ CHC to look and perform the way I wanted.  The best part of using pay-software is that ART @ CHC is more mobile-friendly than The 100 Billionth Person.   I hope it works for you.

There are only a few galleries at ART @ CHC right now, but there will eventually be 20-30 galleries of modest size and distinct themes.  I will not make ART @ CHC an image dump.  I intend to curate the galleries and populate them with my best work.

One issue I have not yet addressed is how to subscribe to gallery updates at ART @ CHC.  For now, I can only ask that you please check in now and again.  Thanks for your interest and I hope it is rewarded.

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