Monthly Archives: February 2020

glas2Hello to all the readers of The 100 Billionth Person.  This is Ira Glass, host of the NPR radio show This American Life.  I know I look a little different in this picture than you may remember, but I have had some work done.  A lot of work.  I think I’m going to sue.

The reason for this message is to ask you, listeners and readers, to subscribe to this blog.  As you know, I am a very well-connected guy, and I have a lot of cool and nerdy friends.  Craig H. Collins, the writer of this blog, would like to be one of them.  Maybe he can be, someday.  But first, I told him, you have to be better known than you are.  I may be cool, but it doesn’t mean I hang with just anyone.

It takes work to put together a cool, laid-back, quirky radio show like This American Life.  Yes, this blog can be quirky too, I see that.  But I told Craig, if you want more subscribers, you have to stop doing things like denigrating cats and praising atheists.  It just alienates ninety percent of your readers, and the other ten percent don’t want to be reminded.

Another tip I gave Craig, based on my twenty years of success as a public radio show host, was to find some corporate sponsors.  I get paid by the people and corporations who I guilt into donating to public radio.  I don’t make anything from subscribers.  I don’t know why Craig wants subscribers and not sponsors, but I told him I will do what I can here.

Finally, Act Four.  I told Craig that he has to tell more stories on his blog.  And they should have something to do with cats, or his neurotic mother.  In fact, I think he should just ask David Sedaris to be a guest-writer on the blog.  Not that David would be interested.

Well, this is all the time I have.  I have other cool, nerdy and important things to do today.  So please subscribe to this blog.  I told Craig to get back in touch with me when he gets a thousand subscribers, and we can talk about being friends.

Cheers, Ira

P.S. to Craig — why not post a few cat photos, it can’t hurt.

Cat by Craig H Collins

[ Originally published June 5, 2016 ]

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Why is this man smiling?

Gun rights rally, Richmond, Virginia, Jan. 20, 2020.  Credit: Julio Cortez (AP)

The (unidentified) man above is smiling for several reasons.  First, he has a gun, and it is a very large and intimidating one.  Second, the supreme court of the land he shares with us has declared that he and his kindred are free to brandish such weapons, which satisfies his fetish and lets him forget all his insecurities for the moment.  Third, it is just a lot of fun to play dress-up soldier with your friends, no matter what your age.

And why is this man smiling?

The Senate rejects impeachment witnesses, Washington, DC, January 31, 2020.
Credit: Erin Schaff, New York Times.

This man, Sen. Mitch McConnell, is smiling because he too has a big gun, whose name is Donald J. Trump.  McConnell has just wielded that gun to impose discipline in his ranks and bring the impeachment trial to a close.  He is smiling because Trump’s fervent base is the bluntest weapon he has ever used and its aim was true.  McConnell is smiling because if Trump can get away with anything, then so can he.  And he is smiling because it is just a lot of fun to play dress-up politician with your friends, no matter what your age.

• • • 

Actually, my reasoning here was far too complicated.  Both men are smiling because they have just had orgasms.

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