Every Seafaring Adventure Film Ever

[Warning: Spoilers dead ahead.]

⊕  The vessel has an important mission to accomplish.

⊕  Someone on board has a hidden agenda.

⊕  Someone on board is mentally unstable.

⊕  The captain has a drinking problem.

⊕  The hull of the boat/ship/sub will spring a leak.

⊕  The motor of the bail-out pump will overheat and explode.

⊕  A klaxon horn will sound and emergency lights will come on.

⊕  The vessel will lurch and items in the galley will crash to the floor.

⊕  The mentally-unstable person will secretly perform an act of sabotage.

⊕  A steam valve will burst, badly burning a non-essential crewman.

⊕  The engineer will be trapped by rising waters while trying to restart the engines.

⊕  A vital cable and/or air hose will break, causing a non-essential crewman to drown.

⊕  The captain and first mate will have a private discussion about the deteriorating morale of the crew.  They will drink coffee from tin cups and one will spit his coffee onto the floor.

⊕  The navigation and/or communications systems will fail.

⊕  Someone will rap his fingers on the glass of a gauge, disbelieving its accuracy.

⊕  A young crew member will come up with a makeshift solution to a temporary crisis by using an item of obsolete and/or defective gear.

⊕  The captain will be unable to control his drinking and will retire to his quarters in a delirious sweat, forcing the first mate to take command.

⊕  The person with the hidden agenda will take advantage of the chaos on board to advance his petty plan.

⊕  A blind radio operator on his last assignment will help the first mate navigate through a minefield and/or icebergs and/or underwater mountain range by placing his ear up to the hull and tapping on it with a wrench.

⊕  Meanwhile, the makeshift repair threatens to fail at any minute.

⊕  The damaged vessel will return to port.  The dead include the engineer, the saboteur and two non-essential crewmen.  Only the engineer will be mourned.

⊕  The captain will be carried off on a stretcher.  The person with the hidden agenda will be taken into custody. 

⊕  The film will close with the first mate standing at the helm of his own boat/ship/sub.  It will be a sunny day and there will be a fresh sea spray.  The end.

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5 Responses to Every Seafaring Adventure Film Ever

  1. Guy says:

    Or space movie…..

    You are describing some of my voyages. You are correct not to sail with me.

  2. Rob Simbeck says:

    This is pretty much the Exxon Valdez story. And mostly the Gilligan’s Island show opening. The exception to this list is “The Old Man and the Sea.”

  3. Pete says:

    * The crew sneak a bottle of the captain’s scotch and have a party belowdecks. A lone crewmember doesn’t partake as he stares longingly at a faded photograph of his girlfriend back home. Said crewmember later witnesses the ship being sabotaged, and is quickly pushed overboard by the sabateurs.

  4. Eric says:

    And, the obligatory early scene with the captain and first mate (First Officer) on deck battling heavy seas and whipping rain (Photon Torpedoes and space debris) that illuminates disagreements about how best to proceed.

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