As President of The United States, I ask Congress — our do-nothing Congress — to pass the following bill, which I will sign as soon as I lumber back to the Oval Office, with Melania trudging along at my heels, in her heels. This is the way it should be, people, the way it should be. Everyone should marry a foreign supermodel at least once. It might work for Mitch McConnell — Mitch, if I get you a supermodel, you will pass my tax plan, right? So here is my plan, it’s wonderful, and I can count it down for you.
Number One. People who read the Bible, and by that I mean only the King James Version, the real version, shall not be taxed. Bible readers, you are great people, we all love you. And if you have read Two Corinthians, you will get an extra tax credit. Be sure to check both of the Corinthians boxes on your 1040 and the IRS will take care of the rest. How is that for tax simplification. Am I right?
Number Two. Gay people. People who know me know that I know gay people. Some of my friends know gay people. There’s Jeff Sessions — where is he, are you out there, Jeff? No? Well who cares. Anyway, believe me, next year the IRS will have something beautiful just for gay people. Married Filing Gay. You check the box, Married Filing Gay, on the 1040 and the IRS will take care of the rest. It will be a great deal for gays. They will save a lot of money, a ton of money. There will be deductions for purple uniforms and same-sex wedding cakes — but getting someone to bake them for you will be a little harder, once my Supreme Court justices have their say. They will do the right thing. I picked Neil Gorsuch, you know. I did my job, now Gorsuch has to do his. Don’t be another Jeff Sessions, Neil. Don’t let me down.
Number Three. It is incredibly unfair, the disparity between business taxes and personal income taxes. This administration is finally going to take care of those crooked businesses out there, the ones who don’t pay their fair share of taxes. And when I say, take care of them, I mean it. We are going to cut taxes on business so that their fair share is reduced. That will bring most businesses into the fair-share zone — the rest will have to wait for my next business tax cut, but I promise you there will be one. Unfair taxes will be eliminated.
Number Four. I know this is a tax bill, but we need to restore patriotism. It is tragic how so many people, so-called Americans, disrespect our flag, our soldiers, people in nursing homes, people washing the stars on Hollywood Boulevard, noble service animals — those German Shephard dogs, I tell you, they’re the best. And now there is all this kneeling! Football players should kneel in church on Sundays, not on the football field. So my plan gives a tax credit to the patriots who stand when the National Anthem is played. People in wheelchairs will not have to stand up, because we all love people in wheelchairs, right? The patriot tax credit will also go to people at home, in their living rooms, who stand up when the National Anthem is played on TV. Again, the IRS will make it easy — just check the box on your 1040. Finally, there will be another tax break when you see me on TV and stand up and salute. Check that box too — this is tax reform, people. Tax reform.
Number Five. I am going to get rid of Obamacare, it’s a disaster. We cannot wait until it falls apart by itself, so I’m doing everything I can to make it implode. Until then, here is my plan. We are going to take all the taxes we collect for Medicare and Medicaid and send it all right back to the states. Each state will get an equal share of this money — Wyoming, Alabama, Nebraska, California, they all get the same amount, because that’s what’s fair. Do the math — each state has two senators, right?
We’re still working out details, but California will love it. Your state didn’t vote for me, but you will love it. So I’m doing something nice for California anyway. And what does it say about you, you disrespectful people. The rest of the country is waiting for you to fall into the Pacific — don’t wait too long, don’t wait too long, California. Fall in the ocean already. Alabama is eyeing your share.
Number Six. Since this is a six-point plan, we need to do something about infrastructure. People are driving around on roads that aren’t safe. The roads are not safe because of all the illegal immigrants driving on them. So we need to build that wall. It’s very dangerous out there. We need to fix that now. Drivers can feel safe on the road when this do-nothing Congress passes my tax plan and builds that wall.
Speaking of driving. Do you know there are no NASCAR tracks in Massachusetts? Not a single racetrack, and that’s a fact. I would say they don’t love America in Massachusetts. So sad! Hillary lived right next door to Massachusetts, so what do you expect. She hates losing races, but she lost to me!
In the end, I pretend it’s about you, but it’s about me. I will say this again: I pretend it’s about you, but it’s about me. I could say this one hundred times and you dopes out there still would not understand this or care. But this you get: I’m the boss. You’re my viewers. Everyone else, you’re fired. God Bless America.