Thoughts at Large: 24

• Some people have hot-sauce bravado.  They make a big deal about the amount of heat they can take.  But I do them one better.  I put hot sauce on dry ice.  I abuse myself at both ends of the temperature scale.

• For a long time, I told people that I didn’t start growing up until I was in my 30s.  These days, I’m thinking I didn’t start growing up until I was in my 50s.  I figure I will approach my 80s with the thought that I stalled out somewhere around 60.

• Dogs are smart, man.  If I had a dog, I would name it Sandpaper.  That way, if it said “Ruff,” I know it would be talking about itself.

• Last Christmas, my daughter gave me a gift called Brix — a chocolate for wine.  Well, this evening, I was having some wine (I was having it, and I still am) and I decided to open up the Brix.  It is, as the name implies, a brick: an imposing one-inch by two-inch by four-inch block of dark chocolate.  It even comes with instructions: “Holding the Brix bar in place with one hand, insert the tip of a sharp utility knife to fracture Brix into bite size morsels.”  This is exactly what I want to do, hold onto a block of hard chocolate, grab a sharp utility knife and stab at it with the hand that just put down a wine glass.

• The first concussion one sustains playing football doesn’t make the rest more bearable.  So why do some people insist that every punishment of life makes you stronger?

• I have invented a new smartphone app.  It’s called Panhandler.  The free version displays a nagging ad that asks you to send me money.  You can turn off the ad by paying me $2.99 for the premium version.

• I am going to produce a new award show. The awards will go to the most useless things you can imagine.  Nominees for the first award include shaving, raking leaves, mosquitoes, network news anchors, and reading comments on the internet.  I call them The Britneys.

• Until now, I had an unwritten rule that Thoughts at Large should include nine thoughts.  Now that I’ve written down the rule, I’m going to stop at eight just for spite.  Nobody tells me what to do.

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One Response to Thoughts at Large: 24

  1. Craig says:

    These thoughts are much funnier if you imagine Mitch Hedberg is saying them.

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