I have old friends who work at Apple. I also know local hipsters who enjoy craft beers brewed with apples. One evening, after several such craft beers had been consumed, some of these apple-insiders took your faithful correspondent into their confidence and revealed to me, as I now reveal to you, the amazing new features of the next iPhone.
• First, this device will not be called iPhone 7. Apple CEO Tim Cook has decided to name it iJobs One — to pay tribute to the obsessive design ethic of Steve Jobs, and to cash in one last time on his zen-legacy before the next unflattering Jobs biography threatens the brand.
• The build will be fantastic. My apple-infused friends tell me that the iJobs One will be available in four exotic materials:
∗ The polished case of the Game of Thrones model will be forged from the finest Valyrian steel. Drop it and you will dent your floor, not your phone.
∗ The touch surface of the Star Trek model will be a translucent sheet of fused dilithium crystals. To engage Warp Factor 9, you inform the device that such speeds are beyond its capability, then you take a swig of Scotch and swipe your finger as steadily as possible from bottom-left to top-right.
∗ The touch-sensitive edge of the Fair Trade model will be manufactured from recycled coffee-bean hulls woven into a carbon-fiber matrix sourced from authentic Colombian ponchos. Your social responsibility score is displayed on-screen after every tap.
∗ Finally, for neo-conservatives who use iPhones, there is the George W. Bush model, featuring a red metallic case made from the WMDs discovered in Iraq in the months following the 2003 US invasion — I am told it will be a very rare edition!
• The iJobs One is more attuned to the rhythms of your body than ever before. Its ultrasonic sensor monitors the peristalsis of your stomach and gut, and its new iGo app automatically reserves time in your daily calendar for you to answer nature’s call. Never again will you have to say in the middle of a developer meeting, “Sorry, I have to step out for a minute to consult with John.”
• There is a revolutionary new charging paradigm for the iJobs One: it recharges when you stare at it. Apple has not revealed how this works, but I attest that it does. To prove it, I borrowed four of my neighbor’s cats, herded them into my kitchen, then powered up a pre-production model of the iJobs One with a background image of a mouse. Kid you not: the phone was 24% charged before and 63% a half-hour later. If you like cats, you will love the iJobs One. If you don’t like cats, well, keep looking.
• The most controversial feature of the iJobs One will no doubt be its LieBrate setting. The phone has sensors to measure heart rate and pupil dilation, and its speech analysis software can detect changes in vocal pitch associated with stress and uncertainty. If you activate the phone’s LieBrate setting and then put the device in your pocket or purse, it will vibrate whenever it detects patterns that match known lies.
I forgot that I had the pre-production model of the iJobs One in my pocket while watching the Republican Debate last month, and it vibrated so much that I almost had an orgasm. Very confusing. I won’t make that mistake again.