Hey, this is Charley again. Maybe you remember me. The de-ranged cattle baron that runs this blog sometimes asks me to take over during the holidays. “Have fun,” he says. Awesome, man. It’s as much fun as building a mud fence, sitting in this cubicle trying to come up with Christmas-time entertainment for the three or four coffee-boilers who read this blog. Sorry if my enthusiasm is making your acid reflux flare up. Eat a peach.
So here we go. I thought I would share some of the Christmas songs I sing on the range as I wait for an increase in the cowboy minimum wage. I call them I Don’t Carols.
Silver Bells, Silver Bells
It’s Christmas time in the city
Ring-a-ling, hear them ring.
Soon they will be drowned out by street preachers with bullhorns.
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is
No, it’s not, it’s really cold out and it sucks.
Hey hey hey hey hey.
Rudolph the Brown-Nose Reindeer
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say:
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”
Then how the reindeer stomped their hooves and shouted, “Santa’s favorite, eh?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer wouldn’t live to see another day.
Frosty the Snowman
Frosty the Snowman was a hoppy amped-up soul
With an old crack pipe, a stuffy nose and two lines made out of blow
Down to the village, with some crystal in his hands
Running here and there, all around the square,
Saying, “Man, these bugs are crawling all over me!”
Little Gunner Boy
Hear my guns speak loud
Second Amendment proud
My guns defend this land
Not from my cold, dead hand
Now your Christmas can be just like mine. Until next time – Charley