I Also Will No Longer Be Pope

This announcement may come as a surprise, or it may come as a thief in the night, but either way, I also have decided to step down as Pope.  I bet you didn’t know there was an Atheist Pope.  Well, now you do.  The only difference is, we call ours The Nope.

I was elected The Nope seven years ago by some cardinals that landed on our bird feeder.  They thought it was a miracle how this wooden box with a perch was always full of seed, enough to feed every bird for miles around, day after day.  So the cardinals met in secret and decided that I should keep feeding them, forever.  They let the rest of the bird world know their decision by leaving some white drops on my chimney.

I made the most of my tenure as The Nope.  I enjoyed the company of presidents and kings, and when I no longer enjoyed their company, I would just ask my wife to turn off the television.  That’s right, I have a wife.  You are allowed to have one when you are the Atheist Pope.  I think you are allowed to have three if you are the Mormon Pope, but I am not infallible on that.

I am stepping down as The Nope to spend more time with family and maybe travel a little.  I’d like to see Rome, for example, without being perched up on this balcony.  I keep saying, perches are for cardinals.  Anyway, arrivederci, everyone.  And so long to the bubble car!  I want one of those new Corvettes.  In red, of course.

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One Response to I Also Will No Longer Be Pope

  1. Anonymous says:

    While I am saddened for me and for the rest of humanity, I rejoice in the freedom you will now enjoy, unburdened as you will be by the cessation of your ministrations. Be sure to clean the robe before you pass it on.

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