I Also Will No Longer Be Pope

This announcement may come as a surprise, or it may come as a thief in the night, but either way, I also have decided to step down as Pope.  I bet you didn’t know there was an Atheist Pope.  Well, now you do.  The only difference is, we call ours The Nope.

I was elected The Nope seven years ago by some cardinals that landed on our bird feeder.  They thought it was a miracle how this wooden box with a perch was always full of seed, enough to feed every bird for miles around, day after day.  So the cardinals met in secret and decided that I should keep feeding them, forever.  They let the rest of the bird world know their decision by leaving some white drops on my chimney.

I made the most of my tenure as The Nope.  I enjoyed the company of presidents and kings, and when I no longer enjoyed their company, I would just ask my wife to turn off the television.  That’s right, I have a wife.  You are allowed to have one when you are the Atheist Pope.  I think you are allowed to have three if you are the Mormon Pope, but I am not infallible on that.

I am stepping down as The Nope to spend more time with family and maybe travel a little.  I’d like to see Rome, for example, without being perched up on this balcony.  I keep saying, perches are for cardinals.  Anyway, arrivederci, everyone.  And so long to the bubble car!  I want one of those new Corvettes.  In red, of course.

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6 Responses to I Also Will No Longer Be Pope

  1. Anonymous says:

    While I am saddened for me and for the rest of humanity, I rejoice in the freedom you will now enjoy, unburdened as you will be by the cessation of your ministrations. Be sure to clean the robe before you pass it on.

  2. Joanne Wetzl says:

    I am assuming you are leaving St. Frances in charge of the bird feeder?
    And the corvette will match your shoes?
    Why does this post reek of Father Sarducci?
    I’ll give this address to all my Atheist friends, of whom there are many….lol.

  3. Gil Gaudia says:

    I enjoyed your article about retiring as the Nope but am saddened by your departure (as will be the cardinals). I had always believed that the guy in Rome should have been called the Dope, but if I had ever openly stated that I probably would have had a lot of explaining to do to my (limited number) of Catholic friends. By the way, you look great in the robe, but why are you settling for a four-year-old Corvette?

    Oh, (Full disclosure)I’m a friend of Joanne’s.

    • Craig says:

      Gil, thank you for visiting and for your wishes. I already traded in that Corvette (after all, that was four years ago that I stepped down). These days, I drive a Prius but I tell my Catholic friends that it’s a Pius (XII model), so no feathers are ruffled and we are all cool.

  4. Joanne Wetzl says:

    Brings to mind the time Pope Paul (?) visited the US 30 or 40 years ago…..somebody was selling Pope Soap on a Rope as souvenirs. It was a bar of soap molded in the likeness of the pope, had a rope attached for use around a person’s neck in the shower. My whole family had a field day with that! Lol!

  5. Joanne Wetzl says:

    Also brings to mind this true incident…
    Seven or eight years ago I was attending a week-long professional conference in Salt Lake City. Time spent at the conference was fine, but afterhours, the vibe was definitely creepy. The locals we encountered seemed to smile ‘too’ much (sounds crazy to say that), conversations seemed stiff and forced. A rear window of one car displayed those stick-figure decals that represent one’s family…and the window was plastered with them. (I’ve got a photo of it squirreled away somewhere.) Rod Serling could have stepped out of the woodwork anytime and I wouldn’t have been surprised. Was relieved when the week was over and I flew out of there.

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